A marathon of inconvenience

As marathon returned to the Lahore city after a gap of six years, 58-year-old Muhammad MunirKambohChishti, a diehard runner, was so excited to run, he arrived at the registration booth at Gadafi Stadium at 11am on Saturday only to find he was the second one to get the running bib. Soon, other participants started arriving at the venue, including children and women, and they proudly decorated their chest with marathon bibs. By 1pm, the venue was swarming with scores of people, some wearing designers’ sportswear.

Those on the registration booths never kept the headcount; they would ask a participant to show their identity card to ascertain their age and issued the registration bib. The registration was under three categories – women (of all ages), men (16 years to 60 years), and senior citizens (60 plus).    

The city district government of Lahore with a private sponsor arranged the 10 kilometres mixed marathon to celebrate the Pakistan Day on March 23 this year.

According to the plan advertised on social media, registration was to be done from 11am to 1pm followed by the race.

It was 1:30pm, and there was no one to blow the whistle to start the race. A few organisers present at the scene were busy giving protocol to the mid-management officers of the city district government of Lahore. When asked about the schedule, they showed ignorance. When asked about the route, again they showed ignorance. Ask them anything about the race, such as where is the starting point, they were clueless.

The electronic media was going crazy about interviewing the female participants.

Among the participants was fitness expert Abid Amin, 54. He runs his own fitness club in DHA, Lahore. He said he was happy to participate in the marathon. “When a crowd runs in a marathon, it gives a clear message to society that it’s time to take care of the quality of life,” he said.

According to him, a marathon is such as an activity where there is no loser.

“No matter you reach the finishing line first and last, in either case, you’re a winner.”

But 18-year-old IrfanWatto was only running to hit the finishing line first and clinch the first prize. The first prize was Rs100,000.

“I’ve travelled from Sibi, Balochistan, to participate in the event,” he smiled.  IrfanWatto is a kabbadi player. He loves to run but hates cricket because “it does not involve active movements.”

He said for this day, he did not prepare much.

“It’s just a normal day for me. I got up at 5am, did routine workout and later took breakfast of one roti and a glass of lassi. Yes, I’ve oiled my legs, for they will not get stiffed during the race,” he reasoned.

His younger brother, IhsanWatto, 17, was also running the marathon. Ihsan is also a kabbadi player. “I’m here not to beat my elder brother. I’ll follow him to the finishing line,” he vowed.

It was 2pm, and MunirChishti, who came to the stadium at 11am, like so many others, was feeling exhausted now.

“I’m not afraid of running 10 or 100 kilometres, but the three hours of inactivity have drained my energy and excitement,” he complained.

He was right, as there were no seating arrangements at the venue. The sponsor of the race, the manufacturer of junk food, kept distributing their items to the participants. No bin was placed around the stadium to bin wrappers and empty water bottles.

Malik Khalid Ikram, 68, was the only senior citizen runner in the race. The retired banker has been a good tennis player since his youth. He said he was trying to be cool since sportspeople needed to be cool and defy anger. By him stood, Gohar Yousuf, housewife. She came from Mughalpura, Lahore, with her two teenage sons to participate in the race. “I’ve been a good runner in my college; today I can feel the feel of those college days,” said the mom of two. She said she was running a marathon after a good 25 years.

Her sister FarhatShaheen, also a housewife, was equally excited to give their feet a challenging task.  

At 2:50pm, someone said the race was going to begin from the main entrance of the Qadhafi Stadium by the Liberty Roundabout.  

By the time a majority of the people reached the gate, it seemed someone had blown the whistle and the race was in progress.

The race began sometimes between 2:50pmand 3pm.

The Sibi boys lost the race for they began the race at 3pm.  

The race was ongoing while the vehicular traffic was also competing with marathon runners on the road. To avoid injuries, runners had to take the service road from Liberty Roundabout to Hafeez Centre on Gulberg Main Boulevard.  

One of the participants, Irfan ul Haque, complained of a hot day.

“I’m a marathon runner, though not a professional one, but I can’t miss a marathon,” he said while running on the Gulberg Boulevard.   

“All over the world, marathons are held in the morning. In the UAE, they begin as early as 5am. In Malaysia, no later than 7am. Last year, the Karachi commissioner race began at 9am. But Lahore set a unique example by holding a marathon at 3pm,” he gasped to complete the sentence.   

According to the official announcement, NowsherwanAshiq hit the finishing point first, followed by Muhammad Afzal and SubhanAshiq, while RabiaAshiq and Farha clinched the first two positions. According to Lahore Deputy Commissioner Saleha Saeed, up to 2,000 people were the part of the race.

She said the weather was pleasant, so no one should complain about the timing.

She said a flurry of activities had been planned for the Pakistan Day in the city, so minor problems should be avoided.

Lessons learned from the Lahore Marathon

There are lessons for the management and the runners for the holding of a successful marathon.  

For the management

1: Arrange registration of the participants a day before the race.

2: Every participant should be given a clear schedule and the map of the route at the time of registration.

3: Morning time is the best time for marathons, given the harsh weather of our part of the world, and our public’s tendency to hit the roads in the evenings.

4: Marathons are a fun-filled activity for the runners; there is no pleasure in enjoying protocol on these events.

5: Hold marathons as many as possible from October to April. They create healthy communities.

Lessons for marathon participants  

1: If you are taking part in a marathon for the first time, don’t try to reach the finish line in one go. Run for 20-30 minutes and from here starting a jogging regime for yourself.  

2: Before coming to a marathon, make sure you have been a regular runner for the last couple of months.

3: Don’t do anything unusual on marathon day.

4: Don’t try news pair of jogging shoes on a marathon.

5: As Abid Amin says there are no loser or winner in a marathon. Just join a marathon and celebrate your strength.

Satire: Imran Khan discovers laughing gas worth more than $201 trillion

In a bold bid to defeat his junior stalwart Murad Saeed’s (in)famous $200 billion news, Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaf Chairman (and also a prime minister) Imran Khan has announced that the nation is going to hear good news in three weeks. Leaving it to the imagination of the audience that the good news carries $201 billion or $200 trillion sums, Mr Khan said the news would change the fate of the nation forever. As soon as the TV channels ran the tikers of the statement, the whole nation went berserk.

The prime minister said during his interaction with senior journalists and owners of newspapers on Thursday the offshore drilling for oil in the Arabian Sea was in final stages and there could be a major find. “I implore that we all pray that Pakistan gets this natural resource in substantial quantity.” His appeal was answered with great fervour and the whole nation (read Bani Gala) kept offering prayers. This news, however, did not go well with some circles.

As soon as the prime minister announced the possibility of natural resources deposits discovery in the Arabian Sea, the Oil and Gas Authority announced increasing the prices of natural by 200 per cent and petroleum products by 100 per cent. Predicting their job in danger after the discovery of huge oil and gas reservoirs and the provision of the utilities at cheaper rates, Ogra authorities struck the public for the last time with petrol and gas bombs, said the public circles.

The public, however, was unfazed by the Ogra attack. They have been flocking petrol pumps and filling up their motorcycle and car tanks with their usual orders – Rs100 and Rs1,000.

On the other hand, Murad Saeed was also happy at the discovery of oil and gas reserves in Pakistan. “Look, now we don’t need to worry about $200 billion stashed in offshore and foreign banks because we don’t want to put efforts to retrieve that ill-gotten money for our kids. Now, our kids will play with bundles of Petr-dollars,” he smiled at a public rally somewhere in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa.

State Minister for Climate Change Zartaj Gul did not give credit to herself for the likely discovery of the oil and gas reserves. She said since she was the minister of climate change, so the climate was going to change gradually.

“First, there was lots of rain in February and March, thanks to me being the climate change minister,” she said very humbly, showing visible signs of humility. “To some extent, my leader Imran Khan is also responsible because he is the chief executive of the government of Pakistan, and of course, he appointed me the junior minister for climate change.”

When asked when the climate of her constituency, plagued with poverty, disease and dirt, in Dera Ghazi Khan would change, she smiled ear and ear, which changed the climate of the venue, and the reporter did not press her for comment.

Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire.     

Satire: Male circles react sharply to Aurat March posters

The Aurat March has stirred heated debates among the males of Pakistan, who see the daring march aided with ‘provocative’ and ‘inflammatory’ slogans inscribed on placards and brandished by very smart, confident women in the face of TV cameras, a great challenge to their diminishing power. The Aurat March was taken out simultaneously in Lahore, Karachi and Islamabad on International Women’s Day on March 8. This scribe reached out to opinionated male circles to get their version on the placards. Here is their point of view.

 Commenting on the slogan ‘Tumharay baap ki sarak nahi hi’ one of the most male chauvinist persons of the Lahore city, challenged the woman activist that the all roads were made by their forefathers, so technically the roads were of fathers. He added the woman was just telling other women that her father had also equal share in roads. When asked what if the women were seeking equal space on roads, which are now mostly male-dominated, the males' rights activist roared, “Tell them, all roads are for males, just like shopping malls are for females.”

A male language teacher was asked to comment on ‘Agar daupata itna pasand hi, tu aankho per bandho’.

“Whose eyes?” said the teacher, reading carefully the slogan on the placard. He said he never pestered a woman for her daupatta alone. “Yes, I do stare at women for their beautiful dresses and looks,” he smiled.

This scribe contacted three eminent professors for comment on ‘Aurat bacah paida karne ke machine nai hi’. All of them refused to comment. Our investigation reveals one of them had three marriages, while the other two had six children each. They said they neither reject nor accept the slogan.

About ‘Ao, khana sath banaye’, one recently-married man said on the condition of anonymity that his family had consistently been asking his wife to show her cuisine skills in the joint family system but to no avail. “In fact, this slogan is my demand to my dulhan,” he sighed. When asked if he was ready to share kitchen chores with his wife, he said, “Why not? Hopefully, she will share her salary with the family too for kitchen expenses.”

The poster inscribed with slogan ‘Maan hun, behn hun, gaali nai hun’, a soft-spoken trader of Lahore’s posh area said his parents have been abusing him in the name of male characters.

“O khote ke bachey, Ulo ke pathey, and so on would be showered on me on minor mistakes when I was young,” the trader cried. “Don’t you think the male folks have an equal share in the abuse department?”. When asked who used foul language more for him either males or females, the trader chose not to respond. His abuse, his story, his will.

‘Mujhay kia maloom, tumhara moza kahan hi?’ This stern warning attracted lots of anger from the male circles. “Why to make a fuss out of my pair of socks?” said a middle-aged man.

“Don’t help me retrieve socks but please don’t make it an issue. I can live without socks,” the man said, revealing his torn, stinky socks.

Women are right in demeaning males alone for these smelly socks. 

Satire: Pakistani Trumps and Acostas make the headlines

Taking a cue from Donald Trump’s wisest decision of banning CNN correspondent Jim Acosta from the White House, the Donald Trumps of the Pakistani journalism have banned Jim Acosta of the cabinet – Fawad Chaudhry, alias Honest Chaudhry – from entering press clubs across the country.

“You can’t enter our press clubs and eat the subsidized meal from clubs’ café,” said one of the Donald Trumps of the Pakistani press clubs in a social media footage shot at pre-dawn hours of a chilly night of February 2019.

The reason for stopping Mr Chaudhry from entering press clubs was not explained by the president of the (most) press(ed) club of Pakistan.

Unanimous sources, who are available to every reporter anywhere, anytime and free of cost, helped us to divulge the untold reasons for the minister punishment.

“As you know that Faraad Chaudhry is very honest in his comment on media, so his predictions about the bleak future of the print media and bad quality journalism did not go well with broken, beaten and bruised journalists, and that’s why press clubs have decided to mute his voice,” said the source, without seeking anonymity. The source even pleaded this seasoned scribe to publish their name, caste and phone number but as per prevailing reporting traditions of the day, no name can be published as a source of the story.

Earlier, the White House suspended the press pass of CNN correspondent Jim Acosta on November 8 last after he had an exchange of words with President Trump during a news conference.

Mr Acosta wanted to know from Mr Trump about the caravan of migrants heading from Latin America to the southern US border. When the CNN reporter tried to ask another question, Mr Trump said, "That's enough!" and a staffer tried to take the microphone from Mr Acosta.

A similar situation should have happened, had Mr Chaudhry met a delegation of the journalists who wanted to see him asking for his intervention to get their salaries released and sackings delayed, if not scrapped. Despite a scheduled meeting with them, the minister refused to see them after putting them on wait for over two hours outside his office.

The source said the delegation awaiting a meeting with the minister was asked about refreshment, and most of them ordered tea and pakora which were never delivered despite the passage of time.

“The non-delivery of tea and pakora worsened the matters, bringing minister-journalists relations to the point of no return.

The minister was, however, unaware of the consequences. Now, whenever he tried to enter the press club, the gatekeeper will not allow him into the club.

“Oh, I’ll never miss the food of the club canteen,” said the smiling minister at a talk show later in the evening. The same refrain he said to so many anchors.

The press clubs’ decision is doing the round in the whole world.

The White House was first to comment.

“We’re greatly thankful to both Fawad Chaudhry and Press Clubs for stabbing each other. Fawad Chaudhry deserves our full support for his war on journalism and press clubs for following our tradition of not tolerating hostile ministers,” said a US intern, according to our imaginary sources.

President Trump in a tweet (addressing Fawad Chaudhry) said: “You’re not fake. You’re doing good service to journalism. Down with fake news.”