Buzdar plans to complete training in 2020

On the insistence of 34 spokespersons and remaining PTI MPAs, Chief Minister Usman Buzdar has agreed to greet the people of Punjab ‘Happy New Year’ calling 2020 the last year of his training, probation, and silence.

“On December 31, 2020, I will wish the people of Punjab Happy New Year on my own because by that time, my training would have been over,” sacked spokesperson of Punjab government Shahbaz Gul said in a tweet on the behalf of Mr Buzdar.

Reacting to the tweet, Mr Buzdar did not show any reaction, which shows his training is going on successfully.

For 2020, Mr Buzdar has planned lots of activities.

According to Mr Gul, Mr Buzdar has no plans to rehire him. Also, he will not sack Fayyazul Hasan Chohan. Moreover, he has no interest in shooting footage with TikTok girls Hareem Shah and Sandal Khattak.

For Lahore, Mr Buzdar has an amazing plan: he will not inaugurate Orange Line Metro Train. Moreover, he will pick and drop three families during rains in Lahore city.

About suspending DCs and DPOs from jobs, it is said Mr Buzdar will only follow the orders of Prime Minister Imran Khan.

PML-N and PPP leaders have agreed not to criticise Mr Buzdar to weaken his position.

“Mr Buzdar is the only CM in the human history, who has done lot of work silently,” said PPP leader Qamar Zaman Kaira. His statement has been rejected by the whole PTI.  

No Comment is the best comment

Breaking their long and uneasy silence, PML-N president Shehbaz Sharif and real president and prime minister candidate Maryam Nawaz have said they have not read special court’s verdict on the high treason case, and even once they have read it, they may not comment on it.

Talking to their family friends, according to sources, they said their silence on the critical issue did not mean they had done a deal with the government.

“No, never; in fact, I’ve forgotten the password of my twitter account,” she said, when asked why her inqalibi Twitter handle was silent.

She said she was really unaware of the Musharraf case and the verdict.

“In fact, I am trying to fly to London to fight for vote ko izat do, because the UK had just conducted polls and the people must be made aware of the slogan of vote ko izat.

On the other hand, Shehbaz Sharif said that he was busy counting the platelets of his Nawaz Sharif, once the count is done, he would comment on politics. He said there was no deal between us and them.

When asked to explain ‘them’, he pointed his finger to his shoulders.

What?

“Try to understand, I am not talking about NASA people.”

Malik Riaz lauded for ordering NCA to send money to Pakistan

Demonstrating his true Pakistani side, property tycoon, alias Malik Riaz, has forced the UK National Crime Agency to hand over the keys to his £50 million London mansion to the Pakistani government, Pakistani media reported on Thursday. He also ordered the NCA to call the matter a civil suit, if not donation, and also ordered the NCA to relinquish the vast sum in cash and assets to Pakistan.

"We appreciated property tycoon, alias Malik Riaz, for surrendering family's crown jewel in the capital One Hyde Park Place – a £50 million, 16,000 sq ft, Grade II listed mansion overlooking central London's famous park, to the cash strapped government," 20 TV anchors in their prime time talk shows at a time on Thursday night. 

Welcoming the move, Prime Minister's Dream Partner in Repatriation of Looted Money Shahzad Akbar said the government would reluctantly welcome the return of 'hard-earned' money of the property tycoon, alias Malik Riaz, to Pakistan, and it showed his true love for the Pakistani land. 

Our sources, however, said the property tycoon, alias Malik Riaz, wanted to develop Baharia Town, London phase, which was foiled by the NCA after he refused to gift a plot to the NAC chief.

The NCA chief did not refute the allegation because we never contacted them. Their response will be published after seeking permission from the publisher and editor, both residents of Baharia Town.

Polite talk show host discovered in Asia

To the disbelief of millions of TV talk shows fans across Pakistan, an unidentified TV channel claims to have hired a talk show host, who has the power to stop himself from insulting the panelist and let them complete their talk.

“Believe us or not, that is your choice, but the thing is we have really discovered Asia’s first talk show host who does not like to be called as an anchor, and treats guests with respect,” said a press release issued by TV channel management.

The host, who has yet to run his first show, is stated to be cool, smart and polite. Sources say during the audition, he not for a single time tries to shout at guests or cut out them. He only asks questions and once the guest completes their talk, he turns to the next.

“Unbelievable, and, of course, it’s fake news,” laughed Dr Amir Liaquat Hussain, Mubashir Lucman and Jasmin Manzoor in a joint statement issued today.  Hamid Mir said such anchor will come and go but we will remain here. Kashif Abbasi said ratings do not respect those who respect panelists. So simple! Maalik of Hum News said he had nothing to do with the polite host news story.

Minister Fawad Chaudhry and PML-N’s Talal Chaudhry have welcomed the discovery of the polite host.

Shaukat Yousafzai sees defeat against Australia in fact a grand victory of Pakistan cricket

 

Congratulating the children of the chief of army staff (nation) on the humiliating defeat of the Pakistani cricket team in Australia, Every-Cloud-Has-a-Silver-Lining Minister Shaukat Yousuf has said that the Australian team will have to repent and face consequences for winning Test matches against Pakistan, while the Pakistani team would emerge the real victor in the chapters of history (of Punjab Textbook Board).

“Who says our team was defeated?” mocked the minister while talking to himself. “Our Shaheen bowlers bowled simply bad balls only to destroy the form of Kangaroos; now, whenever they face tough balls, Australian batsmen will miss Pakistani bowlers and then in ko phir lag pata jaye ga’.

He said the Pakistani team’s strategy was to create discord among Australian players.

“When the Australian captain enforced ‘declare’ at 537-3, the remaining seven batsmen in the bank beat up the skipper for evading their batting ki bari. And you know how bad you feel when your batting turn doesn’t come up,” smiled the minister.  

Pakistan Chief Selector Misbahul Haq, however, rejected Shaukat Yousafzai’s statement on team’s strategy, saying that the team had no strategy.

“We’re experimenting to play without a strategy; that’s necessary to try because we have lost so many matches despite having a number of strategies. This time, our strategy is to have no strategy, and I think we are successful in the experiment,” he said.

When contacted for version, Shaukat Yousafzai said he was not available for comment.   

All American problems are due to PML-N, PPP govts: Trump

Strongly believing that every problem was created by the governments in the last 10 years, President Donald Trump has said that rising unemployment in the US, tug of war between the US and China and no end to the Afghan war were outcomes of the past governments in Pakistan. 

"As my friend Imran Khan, who is a famous former player of container wrestling, has revealed to me and I have no reason to not accept his version, that all the ills Americans have been facing today are just because of the inaction of the Pakistani governments in the last 10 years," he told a press briefing in White House on Thursday. 

When a CNN reporter asked him to link unemployment in the US to the PML-N and PPP governments of Pakistan, Mr Trump said he was expecting such a stupid question only from the American media.

"Look, when my friend Mr Khan addressed a conference on anti-smog measures in Lahore, that's a beautiful city of Japan near Germany, during the press conference, the intelligent Lahori reporters didnt ask him even a single question on air pollution, and that kind of reporters I like the most."

He asked the reporters to follow Pakistani reporters and that he was going to recruit a couple of Pakistani reporters in the US media. He added he was aware of the infatuation of Pakistani journalists with plots, so he was planning a press club colony in Washington very soon.