A marathon of inconvenience

As marathon returned to the Lahore city after a gap of six years, 58-year-old Muhammad MunirKambohChishti, a diehard runner, was so excited to run, he arrived at the registration booth at Gadafi Stadium at 11am on Saturday only to find he was the second one to get the running bib. Soon, other participants started arriving at the venue, including children and women, and they proudly decorated their chest with marathon bibs. By 1pm, the venue was swarming with scores of people, some wearing designers’ sportswear.

Those on the registration booths never kept the headcount; they would ask a participant to show their identity card to ascertain their age and issued the registration bib. The registration was under three categories – women (of all ages), men (16 years to 60 years), and senior citizens (60 plus).    

The city district government of Lahore with a private sponsor arranged the 10 kilometres mixed marathon to celebrate the Pakistan Day on March 23 this year.

According to the plan advertised on social media, registration was to be done from 11am to 1pm followed by the race.

It was 1:30pm, and there was no one to blow the whistle to start the race. A few organisers present at the scene were busy giving protocol to the mid-management officers of the city district government of Lahore. When asked about the schedule, they showed ignorance. When asked about the route, again they showed ignorance. Ask them anything about the race, such as where is the starting point, they were clueless.

The electronic media was going crazy about interviewing the female participants.

Among the participants was fitness expert Abid Amin, 54. He runs his own fitness club in DHA, Lahore. He said he was happy to participate in the marathon. “When a crowd runs in a marathon, it gives a clear message to society that it’s time to take care of the quality of life,” he said.

According to him, a marathon is such as an activity where there is no loser.

“No matter you reach the finishing line first and last, in either case, you’re a winner.”

But 18-year-old IrfanWatto was only running to hit the finishing line first and clinch the first prize. The first prize was Rs100,000.

“I’ve travelled from Sibi, Balochistan, to participate in the event,” he smiled.  IrfanWatto is a kabbadi player. He loves to run but hates cricket because “it does not involve active movements.”

He said for this day, he did not prepare much.

“It’s just a normal day for me. I got up at 5am, did routine workout and later took breakfast of one roti and a glass of lassi. Yes, I’ve oiled my legs, for they will not get stiffed during the race,” he reasoned.

His younger brother, IhsanWatto, 17, was also running the marathon. Ihsan is also a kabbadi player. “I’m here not to beat my elder brother. I’ll follow him to the finishing line,” he vowed.

It was 2pm, and MunirChishti, who came to the stadium at 11am, like so many others, was feeling exhausted now.

“I’m not afraid of running 10 or 100 kilometres, but the three hours of inactivity have drained my energy and excitement,” he complained.

He was right, as there were no seating arrangements at the venue. The sponsor of the race, the manufacturer of junk food, kept distributing their items to the participants. No bin was placed around the stadium to bin wrappers and empty water bottles.

Malik Khalid Ikram, 68, was the only senior citizen runner in the race. The retired banker has been a good tennis player since his youth. He said he was trying to be cool since sportspeople needed to be cool and defy anger. By him stood, Gohar Yousuf, housewife. She came from Mughalpura, Lahore, with her two teenage sons to participate in the race. “I’ve been a good runner in my college; today I can feel the feel of those college days,” said the mom of two. She said she was running a marathon after a good 25 years.

Her sister FarhatShaheen, also a housewife, was equally excited to give their feet a challenging task.  

At 2:50pm, someone said the race was going to begin from the main entrance of the Qadhafi Stadium by the Liberty Roundabout.  

By the time a majority of the people reached the gate, it seemed someone had blown the whistle and the race was in progress.

The race began sometimes between 2:50pmand 3pm.

The Sibi boys lost the race for they began the race at 3pm.  

The race was ongoing while the vehicular traffic was also competing with marathon runners on the road. To avoid injuries, runners had to take the service road from Liberty Roundabout to Hafeez Centre on Gulberg Main Boulevard.  

One of the participants, Irfan ul Haque, complained of a hot day.

“I’m a marathon runner, though not a professional one, but I can’t miss a marathon,” he said while running on the Gulberg Boulevard.   

“All over the world, marathons are held in the morning. In the UAE, they begin as early as 5am. In Malaysia, no later than 7am. Last year, the Karachi commissioner race began at 9am. But Lahore set a unique example by holding a marathon at 3pm,” he gasped to complete the sentence.   

According to the official announcement, NowsherwanAshiq hit the finishing point first, followed by Muhammad Afzal and SubhanAshiq, while RabiaAshiq and Farha clinched the first two positions. According to Lahore Deputy Commissioner Saleha Saeed, up to 2,000 people were the part of the race.

She said the weather was pleasant, so no one should complain about the timing.

She said a flurry of activities had been planned for the Pakistan Day in the city, so minor problems should be avoided.

Lessons learned from the Lahore Marathon

There are lessons for the management and the runners for the holding of a successful marathon.  

For the management

1: Arrange registration of the participants a day before the race.

2: Every participant should be given a clear schedule and the map of the route at the time of registration.

3: Morning time is the best time for marathons, given the harsh weather of our part of the world, and our public’s tendency to hit the roads in the evenings.

4: Marathons are a fun-filled activity for the runners; there is no pleasure in enjoying protocol on these events.

5: Hold marathons as many as possible from October to April. They create healthy communities.

Lessons for marathon participants  

1: If you are taking part in a marathon for the first time, don’t try to reach the finish line in one go. Run for 20-30 minutes and from here starting a jogging regime for yourself.  

2: Before coming to a marathon, make sure you have been a regular runner for the last couple of months.

3: Don’t do anything unusual on marathon day.

4: Don’t try news pair of jogging shoes on a marathon.

5: As Abid Amin says there are no loser or winner in a marathon. Just join a marathon and celebrate your strength.

Satire: Imran Khan discovers laughing gas worth more than $201 trillion

In a bold bid to defeat his junior stalwart Murad Saeed’s (in)famous $200 billion news, Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaf Chairman (and also a prime minister) Imran Khan has announced that the nation is going to hear good news in three weeks. Leaving it to the imagination of the audience that the good news carries $201 billion or $200 trillion sums, Mr Khan said the news would change the fate of the nation forever. As soon as the TV channels ran the tikers of the statement, the whole nation went berserk.

The prime minister said during his interaction with senior journalists and owners of newspapers on Thursday the offshore drilling for oil in the Arabian Sea was in final stages and there could be a major find. “I implore that we all pray that Pakistan gets this natural resource in substantial quantity.” His appeal was answered with great fervour and the whole nation (read Bani Gala) kept offering prayers. This news, however, did not go well with some circles.

As soon as the prime minister announced the possibility of natural resources deposits discovery in the Arabian Sea, the Oil and Gas Authority announced increasing the prices of natural by 200 per cent and petroleum products by 100 per cent. Predicting their job in danger after the discovery of huge oil and gas reservoirs and the provision of the utilities at cheaper rates, Ogra authorities struck the public for the last time with petrol and gas bombs, said the public circles.

The public, however, was unfazed by the Ogra attack. They have been flocking petrol pumps and filling up their motorcycle and car tanks with their usual orders – Rs100 and Rs1,000.

On the other hand, Murad Saeed was also happy at the discovery of oil and gas reserves in Pakistan. “Look, now we don’t need to worry about $200 billion stashed in offshore and foreign banks because we don’t want to put efforts to retrieve that ill-gotten money for our kids. Now, our kids will play with bundles of Petr-dollars,” he smiled at a public rally somewhere in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa.

State Minister for Climate Change Zartaj Gul did not give credit to herself for the likely discovery of the oil and gas reserves. She said since she was the minister of climate change, so the climate was going to change gradually.

“First, there was lots of rain in February and March, thanks to me being the climate change minister,” she said very humbly, showing visible signs of humility. “To some extent, my leader Imran Khan is also responsible because he is the chief executive of the government of Pakistan, and of course, he appointed me the junior minister for climate change.”

When asked when the climate of her constituency, plagued with poverty, disease and dirt, in Dera Ghazi Khan would change, she smiled ear and ear, which changed the climate of the venue, and the reporter did not press her for comment.

Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire.     

Satire: Male circles react sharply to Aurat March posters

The Aurat March has stirred heated debates among the males of Pakistan, who see the daring march aided with ‘provocative’ and ‘inflammatory’ slogans inscribed on placards and brandished by very smart, confident women in the face of TV cameras, a great challenge to their diminishing power. The Aurat March was taken out simultaneously in Lahore, Karachi and Islamabad on International Women’s Day on March 8. This scribe reached out to opinionated male circles to get their version on the placards. Here is their point of view.

 Commenting on the slogan ‘Tumharay baap ki sarak nahi hi’ one of the most male chauvinist persons of the Lahore city, challenged the woman activist that the all roads were made by their forefathers, so technically the roads were of fathers. He added the woman was just telling other women that her father had also equal share in roads. When asked what if the women were seeking equal space on roads, which are now mostly male-dominated, the males' rights activist roared, “Tell them, all roads are for males, just like shopping malls are for females.”

A male language teacher was asked to comment on ‘Agar daupata itna pasand hi, tu aankho per bandho’.

“Whose eyes?” said the teacher, reading carefully the slogan on the placard. He said he never pestered a woman for her daupatta alone. “Yes, I do stare at women for their beautiful dresses and looks,” he smiled.

This scribe contacted three eminent professors for comment on ‘Aurat bacah paida karne ke machine nai hi’. All of them refused to comment. Our investigation reveals one of them had three marriages, while the other two had six children each. They said they neither reject nor accept the slogan.

About ‘Ao, khana sath banaye’, one recently-married man said on the condition of anonymity that his family had consistently been asking his wife to show her cuisine skills in the joint family system but to no avail. “In fact, this slogan is my demand to my dulhan,” he sighed. When asked if he was ready to share kitchen chores with his wife, he said, “Why not? Hopefully, she will share her salary with the family too for kitchen expenses.”

The poster inscribed with slogan ‘Maan hun, behn hun, gaali nai hun’, a soft-spoken trader of Lahore’s posh area said his parents have been abusing him in the name of male characters.

“O khote ke bachey, Ulo ke pathey, and so on would be showered on me on minor mistakes when I was young,” the trader cried. “Don’t you think the male folks have an equal share in the abuse department?”. When asked who used foul language more for him either males or females, the trader chose not to respond. His abuse, his story, his will.

‘Mujhay kia maloom, tumhara moza kahan hi?’ This stern warning attracted lots of anger from the male circles. “Why to make a fuss out of my pair of socks?” said a middle-aged man.

“Don’t help me retrieve socks but please don’t make it an issue. I can live without socks,” the man said, revealing his torn, stinky socks.

Women are right in demeaning males alone for these smelly socks. 

Satire: Pakistani Trumps and Acostas make the headlines

Taking a cue from Donald Trump’s wisest decision of banning CNN correspondent Jim Acosta from the White House, the Donald Trumps of the Pakistani journalism have banned Jim Acosta of the cabinet – Fawad Chaudhry, alias Honest Chaudhry – from entering press clubs across the country.

“You can’t enter our press clubs and eat the subsidized meal from clubs’ café,” said one of the Donald Trumps of the Pakistani press clubs in a social media footage shot at pre-dawn hours of a chilly night of February 2019.

The reason for stopping Mr Chaudhry from entering press clubs was not explained by the president of the (most) press(ed) club of Pakistan.

Unanimous sources, who are available to every reporter anywhere, anytime and free of cost, helped us to divulge the untold reasons for the minister punishment.

“As you know that Faraad Chaudhry is very honest in his comment on media, so his predictions about the bleak future of the print media and bad quality journalism did not go well with broken, beaten and bruised journalists, and that’s why press clubs have decided to mute his voice,” said the source, without seeking anonymity. The source even pleaded this seasoned scribe to publish their name, caste and phone number but as per prevailing reporting traditions of the day, no name can be published as a source of the story.

Earlier, the White House suspended the press pass of CNN correspondent Jim Acosta on November 8 last after he had an exchange of words with President Trump during a news conference.

Mr Acosta wanted to know from Mr Trump about the caravan of migrants heading from Latin America to the southern US border. When the CNN reporter tried to ask another question, Mr Trump said, "That's enough!" and a staffer tried to take the microphone from Mr Acosta.

A similar situation should have happened, had Mr Chaudhry met a delegation of the journalists who wanted to see him asking for his intervention to get their salaries released and sackings delayed, if not scrapped. Despite a scheduled meeting with them, the minister refused to see them after putting them on wait for over two hours outside his office.

The source said the delegation awaiting a meeting with the minister was asked about refreshment, and most of them ordered tea and pakora which were never delivered despite the passage of time.

“The non-delivery of tea and pakora worsened the matters, bringing minister-journalists relations to the point of no return.

The minister was, however, unaware of the consequences. Now, whenever he tried to enter the press club, the gatekeeper will not allow him into the club.

“Oh, I’ll never miss the food of the club canteen,” said the smiling minister at a talk show later in the evening. The same refrain he said to so many anchors.

The press clubs’ decision is doing the round in the whole world.

The White House was first to comment.

“We’re greatly thankful to both Fawad Chaudhry and Press Clubs for stabbing each other. Fawad Chaudhry deserves our full support for his war on journalism and press clubs for following our tradition of not tolerating hostile ministers,” said a US intern, according to our imaginary sources.

President Trump in a tweet (addressing Fawad Chaudhry) said: “You’re not fake. You’re doing good service to journalism. Down with fake news.”  

Crown Prince in Pakistan: What to expect for (A no satire at all piece)

Crown Prince in Pakistan: What to expect for (A no satire at all piece)

Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Qureshi announced on Wednesday that at least eight memoranda of (mis)understanding (MoUs) will be signed between Islamabad and Riyadh during Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman's upcoming two-day visit to Pakistan.

Addressing a news conference in Islamabad, Mr Qureshi said the Saudi royal did not wish to visit Pakistan just to eat kinnows or hunt houbara bustards but to hold fruitful discussions. “So, instead of arranging kinnows or houbara bustards, we did homework, and a Saudi team visited Pakistan in the last few days to assess the investment potential in various sectors of the country on the directives of the crown prince,” he added.

He said the Saudi team also held marathon talks with Pakistani government officials, and during the whole course, they did not look around for kinnows too, that is the great success of the Naya Pakistan. “The Saudi advance team was entertained with chai and biscuits (tikki pack) and they reported back to authorities in their country that the Naya Pakistan was not a land of mangoes and kinnows anymore but a world full opportunities. Based on their feedback, the government expects to sign "at least eight MoUs" with Saudi Arabia — the details of which will be revealed later.

About the MoUs, the foreign minister told a journalist that Pakistan and Saudi Arabia would sign an MoU on the promotion of free and fair media. Saying this, the minister smiled looking at the journalist and said that Saudi Arabia would benefit from our experience of flourishing the media and creating jobs for journalists.

“Saudi Arabia can see how our journalists are busy making their own news stories,” smiled Mr Qureshi. “The whole world can see that our media is so free and so much free that journalists have no work in their offices anymore. They don’t have to go to desk or on some assignment and that is the peak of their freedom. No office timing, no work routine. Free from morning to evening. Also, we would like to transfer our knowledge on handling the media to our brethren Saudi Arabians and some ways about controlling the media without committing the episode of Jamal Khashoggi which wreaked so much embarrassment on our brothers in media matters. We would like to send our own very respectable and smart Fawad Chaudhry to Riyadh to tell them how to control the media.”

This brought a round of applause in the hall and the minister had to shout to make the journalist quiet. 

The uproar died down when the minister revealed that Saudi Arabian consulate in Islamabad would be also engaged for training the local journalists.

The minister’s explanation of the MoU brought silence to the press conference venue. 

After this, the Qureshi from Multan went ahead. He said it had been decided to devise a mechanism to implement the bilateral agreements to be signed during the visit.

About the other MoUs, he said Pakistan would like to impart the knowledge of turning water into petrol to Saudi Arabia and in this regard, the water-run car and its inventor, some Agha from Sindh, would be sent to Saudi Arabia.

“We want to show Saudi Arabia that our water has some much power that it can drive a car. In this regard, journalist Hamid Mir’s testimony would also be presented to the crown prince. If necessary, friend Hamid Mir would also be handed over to Saudi Arabia,” Mr Qureshi resolved.

However, the journalists did not take this announcement in good taste, and they said the government was in a way threatening Geo News of consequences.

Mr Qureshi had to clarify that Hamid Mir would not be sent to Saudi Arabia. This announcement calmed down the protesting journalists. 

He said all relevant ministries will have representation in the coordination council and they will follow up on the MoUs to ensure their practical implementation, the foreign minister revealed.

"I am immensely glad that you are seeing a qualitative change in our relationship [with Saudi Arabia] and will do in the future," he told reporters.

Before he could share the complete information of MoUs, some irresponsible journalist shouted” ‘roti khul gai hey’ and this was the end of the press conference.

(This is a piece of satire.)

Malik Hakmeen Khan – he died with his boots on

The Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) lost one of its diehard and loyal members in former provincial minister Malik Hakmeen Khan on January 4.

He began his political career from the PPP platform and breathed his last in the PPP fold. His coffin was proudly draped in a PPP flag.

One of the founding members of the PPP and a close aide to first PPP founding chairman Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, and later on Benazir Bhutto, the charming and jolly Khan from Attock called himself a jiayla, not a leader.

Like Jahangir Badar, one can say safely about Malik Hakmeen Khan that he died while his political boots on. His political career began in the 1970s when the charismatic Zulfikar Ali Bhutto attracted the public with his revolutionary ‘roti, kapra aur makan’ slogan. Malik Hakmeen Khan, who was from an agriculturist family, was also lured into joining the PPP. He contested the provincial assembly elections in 1972 from PP-12 Attock (now PP-15 Attock) and won the polls. Seeing his energy and willingness to do something for the public, the then Mustafa Khar government in Punjab made him the minister housing and jails. That is when he moved forward to fill the mission of Bhutto to provide cheap shelter to the public. Lahore’s mega housing scheme Town Ship is stated to be the brainchild of Malik Hakmeen Khan. The scheme was executed successfully where only needy people got land and funds for houses. He would often inspect jails and he ensured the provision of basic facilities to prisoners. Once the media attributed a statement to him that ‘Hum mulk me jails ka jaal bicha den ge’ or we will launch a sea of jails in the country.  His denial was never taken seriously by the media. Journalist Hamid Mir wrote in his obituary column that the legendary editor, late Abbas Athar, once admitted that he had crafted that catchy headline just to play to the gallery; otherwise, Malik Hakmeen Khan simply said in a rally that he would provide the best facilities in jails across the country.  

This is how politicians live with the sins, which they have never committed.

In the 1977 elections, he retained his seat. When the Zia-Martial Law struck the country, Malik Hakmeen Khan took the torch of resistance to the dictatorship. He had to pay a heavy price. He was imprisoned in the notorious Lahore Fort. The regime tried to lure him into power corridors, but the jiyala from Attock would not budge.  

In 1988 elections, Malik Hakmeen Khan for the last time returned to the Punjab Assembly. The later period of transition took away PPP votes and the establishment-led Islami Jamhoori Ittehad grabbed the votes in central and north Punjab.  He, however, kept the PPP flag high in every election.  He was elected senator in 1994 and was also a member of the Senate Standing Committee on Cabinet, Establishment, Management Services, Labour and Manpower.

In 2008, he handed over his political legacy to his son, Malik Shahan Khan, who was elected an MPA.

Now, when Malik Hakmeen Khan is not among us, his house in his native Sheenbagh village stills hoists the PPP flag and his family, led by Malik Shahan Khan, proudly associates itself with the PPP.

Ali Raza Abidi – a rare politician

Syed Ali Raza Abidi is no more.

The tolerant, soft-spoken and pro-peace former lawmaker of the Muttahida Qaumi Movement-P (MQM-P) was shot at and injured outside his house in Karachi Defence late on December 25, 2018. His family says he was to dine out with them on that night and for that reason, he was home to pick them when two motorcyclists stole his life with a few bullet fires and fled.

Abidi came to the limelight in 2013 when he contested elections for NA-251 on an MQM ticket at a time when the party was being controlled from its London office of Altaf Husain. Insiders say he was brought to the MQM fold at the place of Syed Haider Abbas Rizvi, who left the electoral arena because of his dual nationality. The MQM of those times kept sectarian and ethnic balance in party’s electoral slots.  The first-time MNA kept the party line when a fierce operation was launched by Rangers in Karachi in 2014. He did not look around when the Pak Sarzameen Party (PSP) was launched in Karachi, and MQM diehards ‘joined’ it in droves. In those times, Abidi worked for the party identity, and at one point when the MQM-PSP alliance was installed by the establishment, Abidi announced quitting his NA seat. Without grimace or mining the words, Abidi opposed establishment-driven alliance.

His politics was above the power corridor. In 2018, when most of the powerful factions and people left MQM convener Farooq Sattar and joined the Khalid Maqbool Siddiqui camp, Abidi held the ground. He was, however, an MQM candidate for the July 25 elections from NA-243 constituency, where Prime Minister Imran Khan was the candidate. It was a difficult constituency but Abidi braved the fight and accepted defeat with grace. In September, he tendered his resignation from the MQM-Pakistan's basic membership citing personal reasons.

The post-MQM Abidi was a more vocal peace preacher, anti-extremism, and forward-looking. He is not around to confirm or deny the reports that he was going to join the PPP, but his activism on social and mainstream electronic media showed that he wanted to remain in the political swim to chip in his share for a peaceful society.   

Other than politics, Abidi was a restaurateur and ran ‘Biryani of the Seas’, a popular eatery in Karachi. He studied marketing at Boston University in the United States and also attended Iqra University in Karachi, according to his Facebook profile.

The murder of Abidi points to changing trends of Karachi. After a brief lull, the city is turning to violence. On Sunday, two PSP   workers were murdered in Rizvia Society. Though it has yet to be established if the spat of killings is sectarian or targeted, PTI leaders have started pointing fingers to Altaf Husain.

Law-enforcement agencies will find a clue in their search for the killers of Abidi, but the Pakistani society will surely miss the rare politician who made his name for his pro-peace approach in a short span of time. Why life is so unkind to us as we are losing the voices of reason and peace one after another.