Qasim Suri asks dictionaries to omit word ‘selected’ for five years

Deputy Speaker of the National Assembly Qasim Suri has written dictionaries the world over to omit the word ‘selected’ for at least five years so that a selected part of the world forget the trauma stemming from the ‘selected’ word.

“I urge the dictionaries published to please delete or expunge the word which I've banned on the floor of the house in the best interest of Pakistan,” he wrote in his letter to a selected group of publishers on Monday.

“The word, which means adopted or chosen or picked, for ban gives goosebumps to our elected prime minister,” the letter goes on.

“Believe me, he is our elected prime minister. He was never selected by anyone for any selected job. He is the most handsome prime minister on the earth. But the opposition calls him a prime minister-select or a selected prime minister, which is not true.”

Imran Khan’s selection for the top post was done by his party – Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaf. The party was elected (contrary to opposition’s claims that he was selected) to rule the country in the 2018 general elections.

Prior to the election, NAB singled some PPP and PML-N leaders out for accountability. This endless drama of selection or election has been on since then.

Trump bans Iranian missiles from shooting US drones

Amid escalating tensions with the new-found rival Iran, President Donald Trump has introduced a new set of, what he calls the harshest ever restriction on the Iranian military might, and banned Iranian surface-to-air missiles from shooting down US spy drones.

“The new restrictions will cripple Iranian missiles from aiming at our spy drones,” President Donald Trump tweeted on Monday.

He said he was also thinking to ban the Iranian clerics from calling him ‘the biggest Satan’. In this regards, his consultants said that he should take the services of Pakistani speakers Asad Qaiser and Qasim Suri, who would tutor him the art of avoiding the banned words.

Recently, Qasim Suri banned legislators from calling Imran Khan a selected prime minister.

“If Qasim Suri rules that no one is allowed to call Trump the great Satan, it will work,” said a CNN broadcaster, who has a deep interest in Pakistani affairs.

Meanwhile, Speaker Asad Qaiser said that Donald Trump should let the people call him great Satan, but at the end of the day, he should ask his press squads to ‘expunge’ the unwanted words.  

Also, Donald Trump has asked the military deployment in the Gulf region to be cocked and loaded for few minutes every day, so that the world knows that Americans are always ready to escalate and deescalate the situation.

South African president calls match result NRO for Pakistani team

Calling it an NRO by his team to beleaguered Pakistan Cricket Team in ICC World Cup match of Lord’s, South African President Cyril Ramaphosa has set up an inquiry commission that will investigate the performance of the national cricket team against Pakistan in the last 10 years matches.

“We all know that our team was playing against a Relo Katta team,” he said in his address to the nation on national TV channel slightly after midnight and in pre-dawn hours.

“I also gave advices to the team not only through tweets but also through WhatsApp messages and inbox but no team member bothered to acknowledge them,” he said.

The South African team lost the must-win team to the Pakistani team by 39 runs.

After the match, the South African TV channels talked to several fans of the team and got their comment, but surprisingly, all of them were cool and calm and called the defeat just the matter of game.

“It’s cricket; one team will lose, and the other will win,” said a girl in Protease shirt, all smiling.

TV journalists were under pressure from their bosses in the newsroom to find such a fan who could cry, lecture the team on their hangout, junk food etc, but failed.

Trump asks Iran to attack US or else

Instead of feeling subdued, President Donald Trump was seen dancing on the streets of Washington after an Iranian surface-to-air missile shot down an American spy drone in Straits of Hormuz, saying that Saudi Arabia and other Gulf countries must be frightened from the Iranian might.

“If Iran can shoot down our state-of-art spy drone, imagine what it will be doing with Riyadh and Dubai and Abu Dhabi. I leave it to your imagination,” he tweeted after the Iranian strike.   He demanded that the Middle Eastern nation take responsibility for the security of the US military build-up in the region or we will ask Iran to teach us a good lesson.                                           

He also asked Muhammad Bin Salman to retaliate immediately in self-defence against Iran.

“If you don’t take any action against Iran, we will open the case of the detention of Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri.

“We can reopen Adnan Khashoggi case at another time,” he said.

Also, National Security Adviser John Bolton urged Iran to attack the American aircraft carrier.

“If Iran attack is, we will be telling Americans in elections 2020 that look, Iran is a real threat and only Donald Trump can deal with it,” he told Fox and Wolf TV.  

Bolton said that the only option left on the table was for Iran to launch a full-fledged military strike against the Great Satan.

Trump asks Imran to tweet less, troll more

Taking into consideration the recent tweets in Pakistan, Donald Trump has advised Prime Minister Imran Khan to read his tweets twice before posting them or he will always be in troubles.

Imran Khan became the butt of political jokes and trolling after he was caught citing a Rabindranath Tagore’s quotes as of Khalil Gibran, becoming a laughing stock.

Donald Trump, whose own tweets remain under scrutiny, said that tweets should be made sparingly.

“Instead, I can see you are good at trolling. Keep doing that as it will make you happy and your economy healthy.”

 Imran Khan had also a word of advice on tweets from Veena Malik and Meera.

Meera said in a TV interview: “Tweets get trolling; my advice for Imran Khan is to consult me before the tweet. His English is also questionable.”

Veena Malik said that she wondered why our prime minister was so fond of tweets.

“He should put his mobile phone away and get to work, some productive work. And by productive work, I don’t mean the productivity, which Pakistan people contribute to census problems.”

Birth Control Department impressed by Speaker’s refusal to issue production orders

Taking inspiration from his recent actions on the issue of production orders for detained MNAs, the Birth Control Department has decided to make Speaker Asad Qaiser department their patron-in-chief.

“The way the speaker showed his muscle power to stop production orders of detained MNAs has made us proud,” said a Birth Control Department official.

Speaker has been sitting on opposition pleas for the release of production orders for MNAs Asif Zardari, Khawaja Saad Rafique, Mohsin Dawar and Ali Wazir. The list is likely to grow.

Birth Control wizards say there are so many ways to control production, the speaker has shown us with his actions.

“By making his office infertile, he has stopped the production (orders), that is encouraging for the population welfare,” the department said.

When told that Prime Minister Imran Khan was behind the stoppage of production orders for the detained MNAs, the Birth Control Department said they would name the birth control pill as Insaf Pill.

According to our sources, Speaker was happy to accept the office of the patron-in-chief of the Birth Control Department.

Opposition leaders said the development showed that the speaker office and the prime minister office had entered into an unholy marriage.    

NAB chairman offers tips to cricket team to boost performance

The National Accountability Bureau (NAB) chairman has taken the notice of the dismal performance of the national cricket match and offered them personal assistance to improve their performance.

“Don’t take any double meaning or anything that is not cricket out of the offer,” said a press release by NAB office, citing the chairman, predicting social media onslaught on his offer to the national team.

The 70-year-old NAB chairman is known for his untiring work against corruption.

“If the team can’t perform well because of the age factor, I want to assure you that age is not a factor if there is a will,” he smiled.

He added that if some team member was still not convinced by his argument, he was ready to explain to them in his office.

The Pakistani cricket team has so far shown a vey dismal performance in the world cup, winning only one match from England and losing to West Indies and Australia.

Some cricket fans suggested the team to consult Maulana Tariq Jameel for inspiration.

The offer by the NAB chairman has yet to be responded by the cricket team. According to our sources, the team was happy over the NAB chairman offer, while Prime Minister Imran Khan also endorsed the NAB chairman and his tips were time tested.  

My sister is smarter than Zulfi Bukhari: Zartaj Gul

In an extraordinary admission of making the rules compromised, Federal Minister for Smile and Making Environment Cool Zartaj Gul has said that her sister Shabnam Gul was made a NECTA director on the merit, the same merit under which Zufli Bukhari and Naeemul Haq are ministers.

From a fake Twitter handle, she tweeted:

“Those objecting to the appointment of my sister as NECTA have never spoken to induction of Zulfi Bukhari and Naeemul Haq into the cabinet. My sister is smarter and more qualified from these gentlemen.”

Her bold tweet sent shockwaves in the power corridor and joyous vibes in the opposition quarters.

Maryam Nawaz jumped on to her mobile phone and tweeted: “Well done, Zartaj Gul. I am happy that you exposed the tabdeeli hakoomat. I fully support you and assure you that your sister’s appointment was on merit. She deserved this seat as I deserved the top office of the PM’s Youth Loan Scheme.”

Bilawal Zardari tweeted: “As long as Zartaj Gul’s sister’s posting to NECTA does not harm democracy, we have no problem with it. God bless you.”

On the other hand, NECTA staffers have welcomed the appointment of Shabnam Gul as their director and said they rejected the campaign going on against their leader-director.