US asks PTI govt to do more to look busier

Reiterating their usual demand of ‘do more’, the US government has asked the Pakistani Tehreek-i-Insaf to “do more without doing anything to their public, which it has been doing since its inception one year ago on July 25”.

“The US congratulates the government of Pakistan on doing great things in the last one year,” reads a message by the US State Department, issued on July 25.

“We have observed that the government spent its energies on making plans, then making them popular and later on scrapping them. That’s not bad. At least the government looks busy every time. Doing nothing is also great.”

Several US policy institutes have invited former finance minister Asad Umer to teach them the art of making plans in the castle.

“Asad Umer has mastered the art of making five millions houses without using even a single brick. He also created 10 million jobs without hiring even a single person. He remained a would-be finance minister for five years and an actual finance minister for six months. He is a living finance marvel,” said the statement.

Commenting on the US State Department’s statement, Asad Umer said he comment only after constructing five million houses and creating 10 million jobs. When asked how would he achieved such a huge targets, he said he had stopped listening to the songs of Junaid Jamshed and his new choice was Sahir Lodhi’s songs. 

Trump orders container for opponents after meeting Imran

Within hours of meeting with Pakistan Prime Minister Imran Khan, US President Donald Trump has ordered his staff to get prepared a container and send it to Democrats. Besides, Mr Trump also ordered a nationwide survey to find how many prisoners had the facility of air-conditioners and televisions in US jails. He said he would also ask Congress to empower the US president to remove these facilities with their own hands.

According to the US media, the US president has also started to learn cricket and will soon change his scenic and lush green golf courses into cricket grounds.

“I have got to know that the leader who has played cricket and has been a cricket team captain is also good in politics, statements, opposition handlings, U-turns and marriages,” he told his close circles through a tweet.

“Now, I've come to realize that I need to learn cricket first. So far, my performance on U-turns has been pathetic. I have delivered most of my election promises, which is not good to become a handsome and popular leader.”

Democrats in the US have protested Trump’s container plan, calling it a move against democratic principles of great America. In an interview with CNN, Democrats’ presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said they rejected the move. The CNN, however, pulled the interview off air within minutes.

Satire: Kalbhushan rejects ICJ verdict; demand home-made food

Rejecting the United Nation forum’s decision, Indian spy commander Kalbhushan Jadhav has said that he is not much excited about the ruling that he will have access to the consular. In fact, my core demand is, he told TV channels in a recorded interview, he also be allowed home-made food as the Pakistani government has also allowed such a facility to Nawaz Sharif, who just like me is Modi ka Yaar.

“The cell, where I’ve been detained, has everything but I want only home-made food. I have heard that Nawaz Sharif has eaten 21 times gosht; I’m a vegetarian but I would love to have sea-food, cooked by my own wife. If Nawaz Sharif has been allowed the food he wants to, the government should also allow me the same facility.”

He said that he wanted his government in New Delhi to raise the issue of food.

“The food provided to me has all signs of Naya Pakistan. It is tasteless and calories-less. It is devoid of proteins and vitamins. After every meal, I feel like dancing and shouting: corruption, corruption,” he said.

Reacting to the demand of the detained spy, 101 spokespersons of the government in one chorus:

“if Kalbhushan feels the jail food is tasteless, it is just because of the corruption of Zardari and Nawaz Sharif.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Imran Khan said Kalbhushan Jadhav will be released soon but he will not be given an NRO.    

Tax on more marriages is political victimization: Shahbaz Sharif

Calling it an act of political victimization, the PML-N has threatened to resign from all assemblies if Shabbar Zaidi’s dreadful proposal of levying a heavy tax on more than one marriages.

“You can see that the proposal is only Shahbaz Sharif specific,” said his lone supporter in the PML-N on the condition of anonymity, while Khawaja Saad Rafiq said that hopefully, treasury benches would also oppose the move.

“Dr Amir Liaquat Hussain has assured Shahbaz Sharif that he will even consider resigning from the assembly, if the second and third marriage become a taxable commodity,” he told his brother Khawaja Salman Rafique at the Camp Jail.

Earlier in the day, Federal Board of Revenue Chairman Shabbar Zaidi said he had forgotten to tax marriages, and now the first marriage would be taxed at Rs1 million, second marriage Rs50 million and the third marriage Rs100 million.

“In case of the fourth marriage, we will compensate the couple because, with four marriages, you are not able to pay tax,” he said. His marriage has pleased Mustafa Khar and several others.

Minister Fawad Chaudhry, who is also a veteran of two marriages, however, hailed the taxation on marriages, saying that very soon clerics would also cry foul.

Marvi Memon also welcomed the new tax.

Shah Mahmood Qureshi gets standing ovations for media freedom speech

To standing ovations at the ‘Freedom of Media Conference’ in London, Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Qureshi said on Friday the media was totally free in Pakistan and media houses in Pakistan were enjoying the freedom to such a level that no one could question them about delayed salaries, job and salary cuts.

“Which media house in the world can do this to their employees?” he questioned the audience amid a thunder of applause.

“We will never question the media houses, who they hire and fire and never pay a salary. This will be just interference to media houses working.”

A Canadian journalist whose Twitter account was recently suspended praised the Pakistani government for their role in freedom of expression.

 “I am really happy to say that the Pakistani government truly believes in the freedom of media.”

Mr Qureshi also explained the reasons for blocking the interviews of Asif Zardari and Maryam Nawaz soon after they went on air.

“One thing, you never get hard news from Zardari and Maryam. They both have nothing new to say and waste the time of viewers and interviewers. For these reasons, their interviews were stopped in the best national interests. Otherwise, there is no bar on the media.”

  

From CM House: No Buzdar, including Usman Buzdar, be taken seriously

Taking a personal interest in the matters of the government after reports of the growing interference of Buzadar clan in government affairs, Chief Minister Usman Buzdar has issued directions to all departments that no Buzdar be entertained in officials matters, even if that Buzdar happens to be Usman Buzdar, the chief minister, aka Wasim Akram plus.

A directive issued from the Chief Minister Office here the other day (when there is an old story, the desk avoids mentioning the day to deceive the readers), stated that Chief Minister Usman Buzdar said that he had received numerous complaints as well as compliments that his close and distant relatives besides those from his area were using his name to get due and undue favours from the officials.

“I, hereby, direct all the departments that no Buzdar, even if it is Usman Buzdar, be entertained in any official matter, legitimate or illicit,” he thundered.

He said even this directive, as it is being issued by me, should not be entertained at all in compliance with my orders.

“I’m serious. Really. Take me seriously and follow my order that no one should follow my order.”

PTI circles have appreciated the latest directive and said that the earlier governments had never issued such directives.

“This is called vision. This is called leadership,” tweeted the PTI Dera Ghazi Khan president.

Fawad’s App predicted nawa chan (new moon) rising by Maryam Nawaz one year ago

Celebrating the success of his moonlighting App, Minister for Moon sighting (new) Mufti Chaudhry Fawad Hussain has said his App has predicted one year ago (July 6, 2018), that on July 6, 2019 Maryam Nawaz will nawa chan charhay ge and quite as per their prediction, Ms Nawaz has come up with a video full of explosives.

Addressing a press conference through tweets, the predecessor of Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan and successor to Azam Swati, Federal Minister for Fictitious Science and Liberal Technology Chaudhry Fawad said that Maryam Nawaz would played a video which she received on WhatsApp was an iconic work of Tiktok where Nasir Butt was just drinking Nestle juice while another person who looks like a judge was doing locker room type talk, which could be ignored till “Im in PTI and the PTI is in government.”

He said once the PTI was out of power, and he was out of the PTI too, he would use the video to the best benefit of Ms Maryam and the PML-N if he was in their party at that time.

About another nawa chan would be sighted by Ms Nawaz, he said hopefully in July another moon would rise.

Reacting to Fawad Chaudhry statement, Maryam Aurangzeb said Fawad Chaudhry should come out of WhatsApp world. The world is fast changing.  

Sharjeel, Gandapur help Sanaullah in narcotics case

Getting a miraculous help from Sharjeel Memon and Ali Ameen Gandapur, the former law minister, Rana Sanullah, proved in no time that the powder recovered from his car was, in fact, talcum powder. Outwitting the Anti-Narcotics Force, the two comrades, who despite being the political opponents to Rana Sanaullah pleaded his case dedicatedly and professionally and soon helped the former minister walk out of the courtroom as a free man.

“Milord, whatever was recovered from the vehicle of Rana Sanaullah could be talcum powder and if you are not satisfied with it, I can prove it was powdered honey or olive oil,” said Gandapur.

At this, Sharjeel Memon stepped forward and requested the judge to declare their friend from Faisalabad an innocent.

The ANF demanded, what it said, the drugs recovered from the MNA.

Later, Rana Sanaullah addressed a press conference and he thanked both Memon and Gandpur.

No NRO for those who are not seeking it

Retreating his stance on the NRO, Prime Minister Imran Khan said 300^th time on Sunday that he would not offer NRO to those who were not seeking it, while those demanding the NRO facility would be granted amnesty, but no NRO.

Talking to a group of tax evaders at FBR office, he said so far no one had asked for NRO.

“But if someone seeks concessions, I am telling them again that they should forget NRO regimes. Now, it’s the age of amnesties,” he said in a stern tone.

Hoping to raise awareness about amnesty, he said the NRO was a bad word, which only suited to people like Zardaris and Sharifs. “Amnesty is neither a stigmatized term nor much misunderstood.”

He said he was disappointed to see that no country had so far contacted him for NRO for Zardari and Sharif. In fact, they had contacted some other quarters. But I warn all of them that they should go for amnesty scheme, not NRO.

When asked why he abhorred the word NRO, he said that he had availed so many amnesty schemes in the past, so he knew that this word was tastier, more facilitator and smoother from NRO.

 “We have found that most people aren’t immediately able to differentiate between NRO and amnesty, so it’s important we inform people of these differences.”