Satire: Summit celebrates crisis in media houses, calls readers, viewers the real problem

Celebrating the success of crisis in the media, a group of editors (both flop and successful), retired editors, budding editors, and family and friends of editors have held readers and viewers responsible for the ongoing crisis in media houses, and called for their training as well as strict laws to keep them in limits.

The group, which consists of only (self-made) legends, and (self-styled) great names, met at the Shughal Mela Summit at an undisclosed location to discuss media matters like the crisis in media houses, disinformation and so on.  

One of the great names said at the summit the crisis had brought opportunities for them, such as this gathering of great names.

“At least, now we know who’s great and who’s not,” said a great backbencher.

A session on ‘How the crisis happened’, another great name was of the view that with their persistent work and dedication, they had brought about the crisis.

“We’ve lost readers and viewers over the years,” announced one panelist, who started his career as an editor in 1950 at the age of 10. “We were told that the reader wants new content. We were reminded that storytelling is important in stories. But we’ve resisted their demands, and today, by the grace of God, we are left with a few loyal readers, and we will keep testing their loyalty too.”  

A great name from a popular TV channel, however, warned the audience that the loyal audience was the most dangerous things for the media, and there should be a discussion in the summit on how to get rid of them.

“The work is ongoing, and very soon, loyal audience would be a rare species,” smiled an editor. In the concluding remarks of the session, the moderator asked if anyone in the summit had been affected by the crisis. Only one person stood up. He was first condemned and later on chucked out of the summit.

The summit discussed fake news and most of the participants were convinced that fake news was as real as hell.

“Look, what am I doing?” smiled the great name panelist.

“Smiling,” said the audience in a chorus.

“Oh, come on, it is a fake smile. Now, how many of you disagree that a fake smile is not a smile?”

Silence. 

Then, a round of applause erupted in the hall. The panelist smiled again. Guess, was it a real smile or otherwise?

The summit also condemned those journalists who were still working despite pay cut, salary delay and long working hours. By the time, this report was being published, the summit was ongoing.

Gulali denies she offered Bilawal merger, calls video fake

Denying that she has offered Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari to merge their party with her World Justice Party- Shaista Gulali Wazir (WJP-AGE), the head of her own powerful one-person party, Ayesha Gulali Wazir, says the video viral online is doctored and fake.

Recently, the video was doing the rounds on social media where Gulalai is seen advising Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) Chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari to merge his “small party” with her ageless WJP-SGE.

“It’s true that such offer has been on my mind for quite some time, but I haven’t released any video on it, and that currently, the PPP doesn’t meet criteria for the merger,” she said in an exclusive interview with this blogger.  

She warned that after one week, she would call this interview fake too. When asked why she would call the interview fake, she said that please write that “Gulali chose not to explain the reasons”.

She said her one-person party’s agenda was to impose a one-person rule all over the world, and for this reason, her party had expanded its chapter to all parts of the world. Right now, she is busy in Indian elections, where her two parties – Indian Congress Party and Bharatiya Janata Party – are trying their luck. She explained as both parties accused each other of a threat to democracy, both could be her party.

Her own party fared badly in the 2018 elections in Pakistan, after she left the PTI, which had elected her an MNA in 2013 elections.

“Look, Pakistan is too small to accommodate my party; that’s why I didn’t take part in the 2018 election seriously. And by the way, who takes elections here seriously?” she asked in somber tune.

“Ask Americans under the Trump rule, do they take elections seriously anymore? I think only Putin is so serious in polls.”

When asked about her worldwide agenda, she said her party had recently formed its government in Sudan.

 “Thailand is also my party’s government. Egypt and Myanmar are my countries too.”

Pakistan is not your country?

“Of course, Punjab, Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, and Balochistan are also my governments.”

Book review: reviving folk media

Perhaps we are the last generation who has seen the riots of folk media unleashing on our neighbourhood streets or in local grounds so often. Millennial sees a few elements of folk culture as a luxury, whereas most of the folk media is now in a preservation mode. 

The impression gets roots when one sees the book titled ‘Saqafati Media’ or folk media, by Moneeba Iftikhar, which is a sincere effort to keep the folk media drum rolling.

Moneeba Iftikhar is a woman of many parts – a university lecturer, a PhD scholar, a trainer, a poet, and a good human being. These are her faces, which I know so far. Being an author is just another feather in her cap. The choice of the subject for the book is praiseworthy, for not many people, especially those studying mass communication, know about the history and characteristics of folk media of Punjab. Yes, the 72-page book takes the readers to the world of folk media, history, introduction, characteristics, types, pros and cons, and theater – an effective modern source of cultural communication.

The book, written in a textbook mode, highlights the importance of cultural rites passed on generation to generation through folk media in the evolution of society. Of course, modern media facilitates a greater part of the world faster and more efficiently, but then there is a heavy cost of it. Folk media would bring people close to each other, whereas the modern media has brought about virtual changes creating huge gaps in family members and communities. Once a delight for the whole town – puppetry, drama (natak), jhoomer, mahaiya, tappa and street theatre – the folk media refuses to shed its appeal among the people because of its strong message and deep connectivity with the roots of land.

Those cultural dresses, weddings rites, street sports, traditional dishes and riddles need to be revived and promoted. How many of us keep going to decades-old melas? Not many.

The book dedicates a chapter on theater and explains its types like tamasha, notanki, galli tamasha (street play), bian kahani (storytelling), pahelian (riddles), idioms and folk music. True, theater keeps on surviving the onslaught of the modernity, but the incumbent theater has come a long way. Gone are those days when a mobile theater would land in a nearby village in my hometown Muzaffargarh in post-wheat harvest months. I would regularly visit the theater every night to watch Heer Ranjha. The woman in her old 40s had been playing the role of Heer in the theater for decades. She would get round of cheers whenever she challenged the villain character. She was never harassed by the audience. Such was the power of theater. The last time, the mobile theater visited the village was in 2008.

Thank you, Moneeba Iftikhar for indulging me in the romance of folk media. The book, however, is full of stumbles, such as bookish definitions, straight narration and lack of story-telling. Folk media is a realm of no-stumble. When you revise the book, or write another book on folk media, make it as interesting as a theater, as challenging as a riddle, as fluent as a mahiya, as smooth as round of jhoomer, and as beautiful as Moneeba.

Labour unions told to stop shun over-repeated sher on Labour Day or ‘Your time is up’

At a three-hour long press conference, the director general of a private security in Lahore has asked labour unions to come up with at least new poetry, if not themes, in Labour Day rallies or face ban.

Retired Captain Wasif Majboor, the director general of the Internal Security Providers Company, told a press conference on Wednesday the labour unions, who remained idle and inactive the whole year, were to work only on May 1, the Labour Day, but they seemed ill-prepared for this day too.

“I’ve got reports from all over Pakistan that the over-repeated, ghissa pitta and meaningless verses were recited at rallies by the leaders, who have been addressing these rallies for decades,” the visibly shaken Majboor told the gathering.  He said he would recommend the government to ban this sher, which according to him, was read out at least 2, 350 times in Punjab alone on May 1, with an immediate effect.   

Reciting this sher, the director general waved his fist, smiled and said: Your time is up. He repeated, “Your time is up.”

When asked by a brave reporter that in what capacity he had called the press conference and how come he was calling the shots, at which the director general smiled, and appreciated the positive role of media.  

“Look, we get inspiration from our institutions and media,” he said, without offering further explanation.

Continuing with his sermon, the director general, who was earlier just a manager of his recently-established company, said labourers should change the themes of their rallies too.

“Stop crying about bhook or low wages,” he thundered.

“I know you never sleep hungry. Haven’t you seen the oversized bellies of your union leaders?”  

The director general also spoke at length on the importance of smart working, and not hard work.  

“With smart work, and a little investment, you can develop towns and industrial estates.”

He also criticized Nasa’s Black Hole image, which was recently released.

“Before you release the image, you had better tell us about your source of funding. Unless the source is funding is clear, you should not

Also, the director general of the private company appreciated the new local government law, and the law would help Pakistan improve its exports, and ties with Japan and Germany.   

Reacting to the press conference, several labour unions leaders appreciated the concerns of the director general and said they demanded that the government, civil society and all labourers burn mid-night oil to find new shers for the May 1 rallies.

Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, however, released a song on social media, where he is seen singing the under fire sher.

Woman caught red-handed helping husband find socks

On an intelligence-based operation, the secret police for women’s rights have arrested red-handed an unnamed woman who was helping her husband find his pair of socks on Monday morning.

The accused, whose name was withheld for security reasons and to protect her from the backlash of social media gunners and scathing hashtags, was reportedly on parole for presenting a cup of tea to her husband three months ago. She was released from custody two months ago, pending trial, when she landed in troubles this Monday again.

“At this point, we can only share that the accused, resident of a middle-class neighborhood was taken into custody for offering help to her husband to find his socks” said a press release issued by the office of the secret police of women’s rights.

“Earlier, she remained in custody and was counseled on right conduct when she was arrested red-handed for serving tea, yes, a hot tea cup, to her husband, three months ago.”

The man, allegedly seeking the help of his wife to find socks from his messy drawers is stated to be on the run as he dodged the police at the time of the raid.

A warning has been issued to all stores to be vigilant on those buying pairs of socks, and public assistance has been sought to trace the socks-less man in his early 30s.  

Meanwhile, a group of Men-for-Women’s Rights has shown concerns on the increasing incidents of men seeking women’s help in meal cooking and service and searching their lost or misplaced items like socks or shoes.

“In the last three months, 190 incidents were reported where women committed the offense of helping men. This shows where we are heading to,” said visibly perturbed Mr Women Right at a press conference. He was accompanied by several other activists.

LUMS researchers discover perfect art to picking best watermelons

After experimenting on 100, 760 watermelons in 10 years, teachers and students of the Lahore University of Management Sciences (LUMS) have come up with a landmark discovery on how to pick a sweet, juicy, ripe and perfect watermelon. The research is likely to revolutionise business, economy and social and pure sciences, says the research paper ‘Welcome watermelon: way to wellness and wealth’ published in research journal called ‘All about tarbooz’ in May 2019 edition.

“The findings will impact every household in Pakistan, who mostly lose Rs 100 to 1,000 or even more a session by picking a wrong, overripe and starchy hindwana,” said Dr Melon Water, the lead author of the paper.

“You don’t know how much pain I’ve suffered whenever I bought an overripe watermelon,” he sighed, when asked why he started the research.  

“My family would question my degrees, my qualification, my teaching experience, my job credentials, and even my common sense, whenever I bought an eight kg watermelon which turned out to be sour, white-red, or unripe.”

The research involved 100 students and as many teachers who volunteered for the study.

“Believe me every one of them was affected by watermelon woes,” the professor swore on a perfectly ripe watermelon in front of him.

 The first five years of the research were consumed on finding out the early, peak and late seasons of the pyramid-shaped fruit.

After visiting 100 farms, and as many markets, the researchers discovered that the fruit hit the market in early weeks of April, was available abundantly in May and petered down in June. Even though every cart vendors had clear idea about the watermelon season, the researchers used several research techniques to find the months of watermelon.

Later on, the researchers took up cases studies, the most favorite weapon of the LUMS world to learn or unlearn any simple thing.

Now, after 100 case studies, the LUMS researchers have found the formulas to pick a perfect watermelon.

1: To buy a perfect watermelon, one must be a watermelon fan. If you are not a watermelon fan, chances are sweet watermelons will not like you too. Be warned that watermelon does not treat well its fans either.

2: Plan to buy a watermelon only in the summer months of watermelon season. If you feel like eating a watermelon in November or December, you may not find the fruit.

3: Always select such a vendor or shop which has a heap of green watermelons. This will give you a plenty of choice to select the juicy fruit.

4: Once at a mountain of watermelons, pick one that is under your easy reach. Weigh the watermelon between your hands. Turn it over, at least three times. Now, pat on it slightly and now firmly and try to feel what is on the underside.

5: Now, leave it and pick another one. Repeat the patting pattern.

6: Now, pick the third one, and after smacking it gently, ask the vendor in Punjabi or Urdu (not in English, for God’s sake) that what about this one.

6: After getting his opinion, ask another buyer for a second opinion.

7: Try to read their opinion with skepticism. If the shopkeeper says the selection is full of a splotch on its belly, and is brimming with juice, he is just making a good guess which can be either wrong or right.

8: Give a try to your gut feelings. Pick those pieces which are big and feel heavy for their size.

9: Buy at least three pieces, and chances are that of them, two will turn out to be either under-ripe or over-ripe. If you are lucky, the third will be perfectly ripe.

10: So, the case studies conclude that if you are lucky one, your every third melon will be worth eating. Brief your families about this bitter, but 1/3 juicy fact.

The research is certain that through these techniques, every household can save hundreds of thousands every month, which will boost the economy. Also, it will save them from emotional trauma.

The research will be presented at an international research conference on melons in Washington next month.

Dawn breaking journalist declared World Press Freedom Hero

Pakistan’s dusky Dawn newspaper’s most-read writer Cyril Almeida has been named 71^st World Press Freedom Hero by the International Press Institute (IPI), a global network of editors, media executives and leading journalists in over 100 countries, after one member of the IPI succeeding in comprehending one of the columns of Mr Almeida.

Though claim to fame to this embattled journalist is his ability to once sneak into a high-level civil-military officials meeting being held in the Black Hole where he live-tweeted and later on wrote a story. The landmark story was accepted by all those present in the meeting and those who never attended it. The story, which is now called Dusky Leaks, boomed the newspaper industry as Dawn’s circulation went up manifold, especially in posh areas of civilized and uncivilized people. Also, the newspaper’s revenues multiplied, which benefited the publisher, directly, and employees, indirectly.

The IPI’s press freedom award honours journalists “who have made significant contributions to the promotion of press freedom, particularly in the face of great personal risk”.

“Yes, I sneaked into the meeting, saw everything happen with my open and naked eyes,” Mr Almeida told a group of non-selected journalists.

“I remember that the meeting was served with qeemay wale naan, pakoras, samosas, tea, biscuits and cupcakes.”

Civilians would go for naan while the others were for pakoras.

“They talked at length about state, real estate, and state- and non-state-actor coverage.”

Taking cue from actors, Nawaz Sharif, who was being called prime minister in the meeting, suggested giving awards to young actors like Mehwish Hayyat, instead of non-state actors, to which disagreement ensued.

“Shahbaz Shahrif responded that whenever he picks an actor, a villain in plainclothes comes and chucks away his choice. To which, another participant said that they never did so. At this point, Nawaz Sharif intervened, and said the country had lots of both state and non-state actors, and we should not eye on others’ actors.”

Coming back to Mr Almeida’s contribution to the press, the IPI said Mr Almeida has been recognised by “all” for his “critical” and “tenacious coverage” of civil-military friendship in Pakistan.

“He invented ‘boys’ for the aged commanders, ‘people’ for angels, and demigods for the powerless. His short, crispy and scathing sentences make rounds in literate and illiterate circles of Pakistan, because of their several meanings. Some circles say they never comprehended his articles. Even though such circles are in a majority, the country’s powerful elite rejects their stance.”

In 2016, Mr Almeida was placed on the Exit Control List on his request, because he wanted to suppress his thought of flying abroad instead of serving his own people. He is also facing a case for his crucial interview with the former prime minister at the Multan airport.