Woman caught red-handed helping husband find socks

On an intelligence-based operation, the secret police for women’s rights have arrested red-handed an unnamed woman who was helping her husband find his pair of socks on Monday morning.

The accused, whose name was withheld for security reasons and to protect her from the backlash of social media gunners and scathing hashtags, was reportedly on parole for presenting a cup of tea to her husband three months ago. She was released from custody two months ago, pending trial, when she landed in troubles this Monday again.

“At this point, we can only share that the accused, resident of a middle-class neighborhood was taken into custody for offering help to her husband to find his socks” said a press release issued by the office of the secret police of women’s rights.

“Earlier, she remained in custody and was counseled on right conduct when she was arrested red-handed for serving tea, yes, a hot tea cup, to her husband, three months ago.”

The man, allegedly seeking the help of his wife to find socks from his messy drawers is stated to be on the run as he dodged the police at the time of the raid.

A warning has been issued to all stores to be vigilant on those buying pairs of socks, and public assistance has been sought to trace the socks-less man in his early 30s.  

Meanwhile, a group of Men-for-Women’s Rights has shown concerns on the increasing incidents of men seeking women’s help in meal cooking and service and searching their lost or misplaced items like socks or shoes.

“In the last three months, 190 incidents were reported where women committed the offense of helping men. This shows where we are heading to,” said visibly perturbed Mr Women Right at a press conference. He was accompanied by several other activists.

LUMS researchers discover perfect art to picking best watermelons

After experimenting on 100, 760 watermelons in 10 years, teachers and students of the Lahore University of Management Sciences (LUMS) have come up with a landmark discovery on how to pick a sweet, juicy, ripe and perfect watermelon. The research is likely to revolutionise business, economy and social and pure sciences, says the research paper ‘Welcome watermelon: way to wellness and wealth’ published in research journal called ‘All about tarbooz’ in May 2019 edition.

“The findings will impact every household in Pakistan, who mostly lose Rs 100 to 1,000 or even more a session by picking a wrong, overripe and starchy hindwana,” said Dr Melon Water, the lead author of the paper.

“You don’t know how much pain I’ve suffered whenever I bought an overripe watermelon,” he sighed, when asked why he started the research.  

“My family would question my degrees, my qualification, my teaching experience, my job credentials, and even my common sense, whenever I bought an eight kg watermelon which turned out to be sour, white-red, or unripe.”

The research involved 100 students and as many teachers who volunteered for the study.

“Believe me every one of them was affected by watermelon woes,” the professor swore on a perfectly ripe watermelon in front of him.

 The first five years of the research were consumed on finding out the early, peak and late seasons of the pyramid-shaped fruit.

After visiting 100 farms, and as many markets, the researchers discovered that the fruit hit the market in early weeks of April, was available abundantly in May and petered down in June. Even though every cart vendors had clear idea about the watermelon season, the researchers used several research techniques to find the months of watermelon.

Later on, the researchers took up cases studies, the most favorite weapon of the LUMS world to learn or unlearn any simple thing.

Now, after 100 case studies, the LUMS researchers have found the formulas to pick a perfect watermelon.

1: To buy a perfect watermelon, one must be a watermelon fan. If you are not a watermelon fan, chances are sweet watermelons will not like you too. Be warned that watermelon does not treat well its fans either.

2: Plan to buy a watermelon only in the summer months of watermelon season. If you feel like eating a watermelon in November or December, you may not find the fruit.

3: Always select such a vendor or shop which has a heap of green watermelons. This will give you a plenty of choice to select the juicy fruit.

4: Once at a mountain of watermelons, pick one that is under your easy reach. Weigh the watermelon between your hands. Turn it over, at least three times. Now, pat on it slightly and now firmly and try to feel what is on the underside.

5: Now, leave it and pick another one. Repeat the patting pattern.

6: Now, pick the third one, and after smacking it gently, ask the vendor in Punjabi or Urdu (not in English, for God’s sake) that what about this one.

6: After getting his opinion, ask another buyer for a second opinion.

7: Try to read their opinion with skepticism. If the shopkeeper says the selection is full of a splotch on its belly, and is brimming with juice, he is just making a good guess which can be either wrong or right.

8: Give a try to your gut feelings. Pick those pieces which are big and feel heavy for their size.

9: Buy at least three pieces, and chances are that of them, two will turn out to be either under-ripe or over-ripe. If you are lucky, the third will be perfectly ripe.

10: So, the case studies conclude that if you are lucky one, your every third melon will be worth eating. Brief your families about this bitter, but 1/3 juicy fact.

The research is certain that through these techniques, every household can save hundreds of thousands every month, which will boost the economy. Also, it will save them from emotional trauma.

The research will be presented at an international research conference on melons in Washington next month.

Dawn breaking journalist declared World Press Freedom Hero

Pakistan’s dusky Dawn newspaper’s most-read writer Cyril Almeida has been named 71^st World Press Freedom Hero by the International Press Institute (IPI), a global network of editors, media executives and leading journalists in over 100 countries, after one member of the IPI succeeding in comprehending one of the columns of Mr Almeida.

Though claim to fame to this embattled journalist is his ability to once sneak into a high-level civil-military officials meeting being held in the Black Hole where he live-tweeted and later on wrote a story. The landmark story was accepted by all those present in the meeting and those who never attended it. The story, which is now called Dusky Leaks, boomed the newspaper industry as Dawn’s circulation went up manifold, especially in posh areas of civilized and uncivilized people. Also, the newspaper’s revenues multiplied, which benefited the publisher, directly, and employees, indirectly.

The IPI’s press freedom award honours journalists “who have made significant contributions to the promotion of press freedom, particularly in the face of great personal risk”.

“Yes, I sneaked into the meeting, saw everything happen with my open and naked eyes,” Mr Almeida told a group of non-selected journalists.

“I remember that the meeting was served with qeemay wale naan, pakoras, samosas, tea, biscuits and cupcakes.”

Civilians would go for naan while the others were for pakoras.

“They talked at length about state, real estate, and state- and non-state-actor coverage.”

Taking cue from actors, Nawaz Sharif, who was being called prime minister in the meeting, suggested giving awards to young actors like Mehwish Hayyat, instead of non-state actors, to which disagreement ensued.

“Shahbaz Shahrif responded that whenever he picks an actor, a villain in plainclothes comes and chucks away his choice. To which, another participant said that they never did so. At this point, Nawaz Sharif intervened, and said the country had lots of both state and non-state actors, and we should not eye on others’ actors.”

Coming back to Mr Almeida’s contribution to the press, the IPI said Mr Almeida has been recognised by “all” for his “critical” and “tenacious coverage” of civil-military friendship in Pakistan.

“He invented ‘boys’ for the aged commanders, ‘people’ for angels, and demigods for the powerless. His short, crispy and scathing sentences make rounds in literate and illiterate circles of Pakistan, because of their several meanings. Some circles say they never comprehended his articles. Even though such circles are in a majority, the country’s powerful elite rejects their stance.”

In 2016, Mr Almeida was placed on the Exit Control List on his request, because he wanted to suppress his thought of flying abroad instead of serving his own people. He is also facing a case for his crucial interview with the former prime minister at the Multan airport.

Nasa engineer Hibah Rahman researching space technology on Banigala rooftop

Pakistan-US engineer Hibah Rahmani, a Pakistani-US national who was working at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (Nasa), USA, until coming to Pakistan last week, has resigned from the American job and moved to Pakistan to study and research khalai makhlooq and angels, which according to her, can surpass Nasa workings, if their work is valued and accepted by all. She said this at a seminar of missing persons, who have been under the mentor-ship of astronauts at near Parliament House on Monday. 

Hibah Rahmani discussed her current research being done in the field of space sciences on the rooftops of Banigala. 

“Such research and wonderful works have never been done at Nasa,” said she, adding that “now, I realize that Nasa has reached Mars but it has never produced even a single councilor, let alone a prime minister.” She said it was a good omen that Pakistani families were coming to realize the importance of space sciences and missing people. 

In 2008, Hibab Rahmani joined Nasa’s engineering and technology directorate at Kennedy.

 “I used to provide them technical expertise, follow launch vehicle testing, perform data reviews and provide technical assessments of engineering issues.”

She said that now she realized that she had wasted her time in such useless pursuits as the real space for space technology and space population was available in Pakistan. 

She used to work on expendable launch vehicles and rockets. Now, she plans to visit Bangali Baba in the next three days to see how a stone-heart beau falls on your feet within 24 hours. 

“I can help the Bangali Baba to cut short the wait time to two or three hours if they use some technical aspects as well to win over the tough mahboob sahib or sahiba, whatever the relevant is.” 

On the other hand, Nasa has launched a protest with Pakistani authorities seeking Hibah Rahamni repatriation. 

A statement by Nasa said they sent Hibah Rehmani to Pakistan to research on Banigala rooftop but now she had gone missing. 

Satire: Pervaiz Elahi doesn’t want to replace Imran or Buzdar because he lacks majority

Punjab Assembly Speaker Chaudhry Pervaiz Elahi has (half-heartedly) denied the reports (published nowhere) that he has plans to replace Chief Minister Usman Buzdar or Prime Minister Imran Khan. He said he believes both are working in the best interest of the nation.

Learning lessons from the crushed hope of his Chaudhry bhai – Chaudhry Nisar – who was about to replace Buzdar only on the front pages of national newspapers, the Chaudhry of Gujrat felt it appropriate to issue the denial of his likely elevation as chief minister or prime minister.

When asked, if he was being considered as the replacement of Buzdar or Imran, sources close to Mr Elahi said he wished that he be considered as their replacement, and at the end of the day, he would refuse to replace them.

Recently, newspapers reported that Chaudhry Nisar was going to take the oath and replace Buzdar as chief minister. Initially, these stories grabbed the front page of newspapers, and huge airtime but later when Imran Khan issued a strong denial, the rumours were never denied.

“Mr Elahi also wants such coverage for himself,” said the sources close to him.

“This way, talk show hosts are after you; several MPAs and MNAs who otherwise ignore you starts pestering you. One almost starts feeling like a CM or PM, even if there’s no remote chance for them to become CM.”

At a press talk with Punjab Assembly beat reporters, Mr Elahi said he did not want to become a CM or PM, because the system was working well now.

“You see we want first Moonis Elahi to become a federal minister. Once this objective is achieved, we will wait and see,” he said. Off the record he said many things, which implied when a crisis hits the government, they would become the ultimate choice of the power to be.

“The system is working well. Let’s not be in a hurry. The Imran government is not in a hurry. They (pointing fingers upward) are also not in a hurry. So, let us bury the issue for a while or maybe for good four years.”

The statement by the House of Gujrat triggered speculations in the political circles.

Governor Chaudhry Sarwar said he was happy with the post of the governorship, and he did not want to become the chief minister.

Later, Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi also issued a statement that he had no intention to become a chief minister.

“If Imran Khan makes chief minister, then I’ll have no choice but to accept it.”

His last sentence has panicked the house of Jahangir Tareen.

Satire: Only Imran Khan can remove me (after getting instruction from somewhere), Dr Yasmin Rashid reveals

Exonerating angels and humans (both plainclothes and uniformed) from playing a decisive role in her the likely removal from the office, Punjab’s most healthy and wealthy minister (for sick department called health) Dr Yasmin Rashid has said with 50 percent uncertainty and 50 percent certainty that only and only Prime Minister Imran Khan has the authority to remove her from her office on the directions of real power.

In a talk with a private TV channel, Dr Yasmin Rashid said that she might not be coming up to expectations of the prime minister as Imran Khan had been told so from the headquarters of common people.

“Chief Minister Usman Buzdar has told me several times that my performance is good,” she said. On behalf of Usman Buzdar, his spokesperson Dr Shahbaz Gill said he could confirm that Dr Yasmin Rashid was not going to be sacked in the next 10 minutes.

“I don’t want to be the Fawad Chaudhry-2,” he said, adding that he did not want to replace Dr Yasmin Rashid if she was sacked.  

She said she believed that Imran Khan took decision on the basis of tweets, retweets and social media presence about departmental workings.

“By the grace of Almighty, I’ve more than 100,000 followers on Twitter, and I tweet 50 or so everyday degrading opposition and lecturing them on their past corruption, present cases and future conviction,” she said.

She said to counter the Young Doctors Association, she had planned to launch Old Doctors Association, and only the permission of Prime Minister Imran, who is young at heart, was required.  

She offered that the premier could replace her if he found a more suitable person for serving the health ministry.

She gave a few suggestion to replace her.

“I think Fayyazul Hassan Chohan is a good choice to replace me,” she smiled.

“The other choice could be Amir Kayyani,” she said.

Sources said she wanted Chohan or Kayyani to replace her so that only their performance could tell the power corridor that how excellent she is/was.”

To a question, she said all party members of the Punjab Assembly were with Chief Minister Usman Buzdar, and she was comfortable in working with the incumbent chief minister.

Satire: Japan, Germany rewriting geography books after Imran Khan’s border lesson

Japan and Germany have reportedly ordered their textbook writers to make sure that they are neighbours in the geography lessons for their youths in the Naya World after the creating of a Naya Pakistan, Banigala sources have revealed to us.

After Prime Minister Imran Khan revealed on Monday how Japan set up joint industries in the border region to bolster economic ties with Germany.

Also, history writers in France and Germany have been told to correct their books that in the Second World War, it were not Germany and France, but Japan and Germany that fought each other and killed millions of their civilians before they entered into joint industrial ventures, now discovered by PM Imran Khan.  

“The more trade you have with each other your ties automatically become stronger…Germany and Japan killed millions of their civilians until after the Second World War when they both decided to have joint industries on their border regions,” he said while speaking at an event in Tehran, where he went for a two-day visit.

After the new border arrangements, French President Emmanuel Macron dialed geography changer Imran Khan, but he did not attend his call. Imran Khan, who was sitting by Iranian President Hassan Rouhani at the press conference, showed his phone screen to the host that how impatiently the French president was calling him. Imran Khan sent him a WhatsApp message that right now, he was busy, and would dial him a missed call later.

Earlier, the French president had tried to call Imran Khan when he was meeting a delegation of journalist at the Prime Minister Office, but he was not lucky enough to be entertained.

After the Second World War, France and Germany joined hands to lay the foundation of the European Union.

A spokesperson for Naya Pakistan’s flagship party has criticised opposition leaders who dubbed Imran Khan’s geographic discoveries as slip of tongue, saying that no one can deny Japan, the island nation in East Asia, had a border with the western European nation instead of neighbouring France.

National Geographic and Discovery channels have announced hiring Imran Khan as analyst once he retires as prime minister of Naya Pakistan.

Old Japan's old closest neighbors Korea, Russia and China are now searching for new neighbours after Imran Khan’s shocked discovery.

Satire: How to rescue Mehwish from Tamgha backlash, actors tell us

In the ZAB Media Festival's live session on film and TV, moderated by journalist Manal Faheem Khan, panelists have focused on the techniques how to make society accept that Mehwish Hayat has won Tamgha-i-Imtiaz through nomination, and not by snatching it from the president.

"We can start a campaign on social media giving shout-outs that Mehwish is a Tamgha holder now, and there is nothing you people, I mean the people at large, can do about that,” said thoughtful Laal Kabootar actor Mansha Pasha.

"Our society thinks women, especially those like Mehwish Hayat, need to get grey head first to be eligible for the highest award,” she said.

“Gone are those days now.”

She predicted that after Mehwish, she could be awarded the Tamgha.

“If actress as simple as Mehwish can be awarded the Tamgha, why not me too? Mujh me kia kami hi to receive the Tamgha?”

Hareem supported Mansha, "Our film industry is very small; luckily, it has women with brain and looks. First, those with looks can be awarded Tamghas; later on, those with brains can be rewarded Tamghas. And I can wait for being on the list of brainy people.”

Also, Eman Suleman's recent LSA nomination came under discussion.

Hareem said, "We're living in a time where women receiving such prestigious awards are questioned but nobody stands up and questions when a harasser is getting awards."

"There's a certain demonisation of women in Pakistan. They can do no right by people. Women are pitted against each other, it's unfortunate and it benefits no one. Women are judged for everything except for their achievements, and that needs to stop now," Mansha concluded, according to dawn.com

In the ZAB Media Festival's live session on film and TV, moderated by journalist Manal Faheem Khan, panelists have focused on the techniques how to make society accept that Mehwish Hayat has won Tamgha-i-Imtiaz through nomination, and not by snatching it from the president.

"We can start a campaign on social media giving shout-outs that Mehwish is a Tamgha holder now, and there is nothing you people, I mean the people at large, can do about that,” said thoughtful Laal Kabootar actor Mansha Pasha.

"Our society thinks women, especially those like Mehwish Hayat, need to get grey head first to be eligible for the highest award,” she said.

“Gone are those days now.”

She predicted that after Mehwish, she could be awarded the Tamgha.

“If actress as simple as Mehwish can be awarded the Tamgha, why not me too? Mujh me kia kami hi to receive the Tamgha?”

Hareem supported Mansha, "Our film industry is very small; luckily, it has women with brain and looks. First, those with looks can be awarded Tamghas; later on, those with brains can be rewarded Tamghas. And I can wait for being on the list of brainy people.”

Also, Eman Suleman's recent LSA nomination came under discussion.

Hareem said, "We're living in a time where women receiving such prestigious awards are questioned but nobody stands up and questions when a harasser is getting awards."

"There's a certain demonisation of women in Pakistan. They can do no right by people. Women are pitted against each other, it's unfortunate and it benefits no one. Women are judged for everything except for their achievements, and that needs to stop now," Mansha concluded, according to dawn.com

Satire: How to rescue Mehwish from Tamgha backlash, actors tell us

In the ZAB Media Festival's live session on film and TV, moderated by journalist Manal Faheem Khan, panelists have focused on the techniques how to make society accept that Mehwish Hayat has won Tamgha-i-Imtiaz through nomination, and not by snatching it from the president.

"We can start a campaign on social media giving shout-outs that Mehwish is a Tamgha holder now, and there is nothing you people, I mean the people at large, can do about that,” said thoughtful Laal Kabootar actor Mansha Pasha.

"Our society thinks women, especially those like Mehwish Hayat, need to get grey head first to be eligible for the highest award,” she said.

“Gone are those days now.”

She predicted that after Mehwish, she could be awarded the Tamgha.

“If actress as simple as Mehwish can be awarded the Tamgha, why not me too? Mujh me kia kami hi to receive the Tamgha?”

Hareem supported Mansha, "Our film industry is very small; luckily, it has women with brain and looks. First, those with looks can be awarded Tamghas; later on, those with brains can be rewarded Tamghas. And I can wait for being on the list of brainy people.”

Also, Eman Suleman's recent LSA nomination came under discussion.

Hareem said, "We're living in a time where women receiving such prestigious awards are questioned but nobody stands up and questions when a harasser is getting awards."

"There's a certain demonisation of women in Pakistan. They can do no right by people. Women are pitted against each other, it's unfortunate and it benefits no one. Women are judged for everything except for their achievements, and that needs to stop now," Mansha concluded, according to dawn.com

Satire: Foreign hands responsible for the street crime to hardcore terrorism in Pakistan, says Shah Mehmood Qureshi

Exonerating law-enforcers from negligence in the Oramara massacre on April 18 and an earlier suicide bombing in the Hazarganji market in Quetta, Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Qureshi on Saturday said that Pakistan expected that two brother countries – both Muslims fortunately, to take action against the terrorist groups behind the Ormara massacre.

Addressing a press conference in Islamabad, cool and calm Qureshi said that the whole country was angry and upset over the incident and wanted to know why this incident had taken place and who was behind it.

“I ask these two countries, particularly, and the whole world (except for brother countries like Saudi Arabia and America) generally, that why these incidents are happening and who is behind it,” he roared at the press conference without looking at journalists in front of him.

“On the basis of verified information, it is safe to say that the training and logistical camps of this new alliance are based inside these two countries,” he said.

At least 14 passengers were separated from other passengers on different buses and then shot dead by gunmen on the Makran Coastal Highway in Ormara, Balochistan early on Thursday. The Hazaganji bomber, however, was blind in the selection of his targets. Though, his main targets were the Hazaras, collateral damage claimed more than 10 non-Hazara people.

When asked why the two unnamed countries were being dubbed responsible for the bloodbath, Mr Qureshi reasoned that it was because whenever there was a suicide blast inside these two countries and even a third country, they all pointed finger at us.

“For these reasons, we have decided to blame these countries whenever there’s terrorism in Pakistan. This is called tit-for-tat diplomacy,” the seasoned diplomat minister argued.

About the law-enforcers’ role in combating terrorism, Mr Qureshi said they had done their job.

“Look, after the blast, who reached the site? Of course, our own law enforcers. Who cordoned off the crime scene? Who has registered the FIR? Who is investigating the case? Bhai, these difficult tasks are being done by our own police and other departments.”

He said he had asked the neighbouring countries to draft landmark documents like the National Action Programme so that whenever there is terrorism in their countries, they could show to their public that now NAP would be followed in letter and spirit.

“This strategy helps to soothe public anger, and we have experience in dealing with such situations again and again,” he said.

He also offered to share statements based on condemnation after every terrorist attack with neighboring countries.

“These statements are not only suitable for newspapers, but also for TV tikkers, and seminars and interviews.”  

"The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan avails itself of this opportunity to renew to the esteemed embassy the assurances of its highest consideration," a letter by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs concluded.

Science and Technology Minister Fawad rejects Newton’s laws of motion, call them a product of muk muka

Insisting he is more is a scientist and technologist than an MNA or PTI worker, newly-inducted Science and Technology Minister Fawad Chaudhry defiantly claimed on Friday that he does not believe in Newton's laws of motions, calling them a product of muk muka between the scientist and the scientist community of that time. 

“Who does not know this big secret that an object will remain at rest or in uniform motion in a straight line unless acted upon by an external force,” he said at the maiden press conference at his new office on Friday.

“What Newton sahib has revealed a secret here which is not known to us? Even a class eight student knows this fact. Even if someone doesn’t know this law, it doesn’t make any difference to their lives,” he reasoned.

When asked why Newton’s laws of motions had gained the worldwide recognition and approval, the scientist Chaudhry said that it was because of the corruption of Nawaz Sharif and Asif Zardari.

“You know Zardaris and Sharifs are symbols of status quo. The same is with these laws. That’s why I urge the National Accountability Bureau to initiate a probe into Newton’s laws and his assets too,” the firebrand minister said in a smiling tone.

Sources will never tell you but I am proud to reveal this that Prime Minister Imran Khan decided to make Fawad Chaudhry science and technology minister since the day he shocked the world with his research on the fuel consumption of a chopper from Banigala to Prime Minister Office. He says the chopper consumes fuel Rs55 per mile. His discovery sent shockwaves in the aeronautical industry and they checked their working again and again and at last, reached the conclusion the angels of Banigala were flying the chopper of the prime minister.  

When asked where these odd scientific things came to him from, the experienced minister said he had learned these things while being in the PML-Q, PPP, PTI and now close to QHG.

He also praised himself for being the ‘greatest’ and ‘the most-informed information minister of all time’. He said he never sought any information from any subordinate or any department.

About his spoken communications and tweets, Fawad Chaudhry seriously and defiantly claimed that she did not know what he was going to speak about and where the voice came from when he opened his mouth at a press conference or started composing a tweet.

“No one can control words. Neither you nor me. Not even Imran Khan. Even my leader never plans when he is going to say something. When we open our mouths, words start coming out and out automatically.”

More precisely, I read next day newspapers and watch a few talk-shows to see what I said, and why.

 “Sometimes, it’s abhorrent to see that the press questions my motives, which I never had. All I know is that when I open my mouth, the people in front of me start laughing or try to suppress their laughter.”

Dollar, stock markets begin to crash after Asad Umar resignation; Fawad insists Asad is still finance minister

As soon as Asad Umar tweeted about his plan not to accept the energy ministry, and to step down from the finance ministry on Thursday, stock markets across the world, encomiasts and businesses reacted sharply over the departure of one of the finest finance ministers. Dollar crashed in local currency exchange to as low as Rs70 as it was being bought at Rs71.13 and sold at Rs72.  

Mr Umar told a press the conference that it was time to make some "difficult decisions for me" as the public had enough seen difficult times. He said his act to leave the ministry would also stabilise the economy and that he hoped his successor would follow his wonderful policies.

“Who says inflation went by 8 per cent?” he retorted when a reporter asked him about the inflation rate.

“You people were eating one egg and two slices in breakfast when the inflation rate was 5.8 per cent; you eat one egg and two slices now when inflation is 10.9l; so where is the difference on your life?”
He said regardless of the petrol prices, one motorcyclist would get Rs100 petrol every time they visit the petrol pumps.

“Whatever the price of petrol, a commoner is least affected by it,” he argued.  

Fawad Chaudhry, however, tweeted that the people should not take Asad Umar seriously, as he was still a finance minister.

“Who takes Asad Umer’s tweet seriously?” Fawad said in a tweet to rubbish the report of Asad Umar’s resignation.

“You know Asad Umer has been our choice for the finance minister for the last eight years. He will continue as finance minister as long as there is finance in the country. He’ll cease the office with the depletion of finances.”

Asad Umar ended his tweet by saying: "I strongly believe @ImranKhanPTI is the best hope for Pakistan and inshAllah will make a naya Pakistan."

Fawad Chaudhry, however, insisted that the tweet not be taken seriously.

“Yes, not even his last lines of the tweet,” Fawad Chaudhry told a TV channel.

Asad Umar also told a press conference that Fawad Chaudhry’s portfolio was being changed. Reacting to this, Fawad Chaudhry tweeted, “Did anyone ever see Asad Umar coming up with accurate information?”  

 This is a piece of satire. 

Malik Riaz announces establishing Bahria Town in Black Hole

Taking Bahria Town to new heights, Malik Riaz Hussain has announced launching its Baharia Town’s new luxury scheme – Black Hole Bahria Town Complex – in Black Hole, whose image was recently unveiled by NASA.

“Placed in the heart of the Black Hole, our new project is with its own captivating history and cultural heritage. It will be the site for one of the world's earliest human settlements,” said a press release issued by the real estate icon’s office late on Tuesday.

The project promises pure air, pure water, pure earth, pure sunshine and pure people. This is 55 million light years away from the Earth but that is not a big deal for the iconic developer, whose most of the projects are still are 55 million light years away from being realised. Not only him, have other estate developers’ projects also turned out to be millions of light years away. 

Telescopes from eight centres across the world worked as one unit to piece together this image. The stunning image looked like an uneven gold ring, heavier at the lower end than the upper.

Of course, the black hole itself cannot be seen, because light cannot escape its intense gravitational attraction. The so-called event horizon that envelops the black hole is the point of no return and any object transgressing this boundary is lost.

Even though no one has reached the black hole, the developer’s office said: “Pure is the nature of the Black Hole project. The landscape of the Black Hole ranges from lofty mountains in the north, through dissected plateaus to the rich alluvial plains of the hole. Then follow desolate barrenness of the place and the hot dry deserts blending into miles and miles of black-gold beaches of the coast.

The billionaire developer recently struck a deal with the Supreme Court legitimizing its ill-gotten land in Malir district.

It is being speculated that the project is being developed on the Black Hole to avoid jurisdiction of the court. A lawyer, however, said NAB could still prosecute him for one reason or another. 

Real estate dealers have expressed pleasure over the announcement of the project. They said the project would be a big success because of its no-noise environment, no-leadshedding regime and no-noisy neighbors.  

SATIRE: NAB starts investigation into Shehbaz’s marriages

Finding a few typos in summons draft, National Accountability Bureau (NAB) Chairman Javed Iqbal on Monday ordered the cancellation of summons issued by his department to the wife and daughters of PML-N president Shehbaz Sharif on Saturday in an investigation regarding money laundering and accumulation of assets beyond known sources of income.

“You know Shehbaz Sharif is a person of many marriages, and I think before slapping summons on him and his wife, NAB will need to investigate that to which wife, these summonses be served,” a source without seeking anonymity, quoted the NAB chairman as having said.

The NAB chairman issued directives in a visit to the NAB Lahore office, says a press release.

It said the NAB chairman was briefed on “marriages – both brief, and long lasting – of Shehbaz Sharif, and of course, corruption cases” and cases concerning the Sharif family by the director general of NAB.

The NAB chairman was very serious to investigate Shehbaz Sharif’s marriages. He was, however, told that it was a long story, which NAB may not fully unearth.

Earlier, he ordered the kiki dance video footage and issued summons to the model seen in the footage. The PIA summons was later withdrawn.

“The chairman NAB has decided that he himself will directly supervise the cases regarding the Sharif family,” the statement said.

According to the press release, NAB chairman Iqbal ordered the cancellation of the summons notices to the family of Shahbaz Sharif.

Before Shehbaz Sharif, the occupant of the chief minister, Malik Ghulam Mustafa Khar, is also alleged to have married multiple times.

How many times?

“No one exactly knows the number of Khar’s marriages, and likewise Sharif’s marriages,” said NAB sources.

“I bet even Khar and Sharif themselves will not remember the number of their honeymoons,” said the source, who works in NAB’s monetary crime wing.

The NAB move to issue the summons had drawn a strong reaction not only from the PML-N but also from the PPP as both parties saw a political motive behind it.

Satire: Discussions to get package to pay the previous bailout loan continue between Pakistan and IMF

In yet another bailout package discussion between Pakistan and the International Monetary Fund (IMF), either side has agreed to bail out Pakistan’s ailing economy till another bailout package is discussed.

“The first option before going to the IMF was suicide,” said smiling Finance Minister Asad Umar at a Thursday night news briefing at the Pakistan Embassy in Washington. He did not say that they are going to preserve that option for another election speech, the minister, however, said that was the last bailout package, the government was going to avail. Perhaps he meant that in 2019, this would be the only bailout package.

“During the last two days, we have, more or less, reached an understanding,” he explained, triggering a debate among psychologists working on the modern theories of ‘understanding between a lender, and a loan getter. “This is a groundbreaking news for all the psychologists who earlier thought that creating understanding on monetary issues is a complex and time taking process; no, it’s so simple and a two-day activity,” said the American Psychology Association spokesperson with baffled looks.

“In the next day or two, we hope to reach a full agreement and then we will share the details with you,” the finance minister said. When pressed to share a few details for the media consumption, the minister said the good news is that bailout package would bail the ailing economy of us; the bad news is that it will be short-lived.

The minister said the cheque would be ready in next few weeks. What will happen before that?

“In the next step, the IMF will send its mission to Pakistan in the next few weeks to work out technical details. But in principle, we have reached an agreement,” he said.

“In such matters, understanding is more important than cheques,” he lectured on ‘understanding’ theories.

The minister is nowadays listening to folk music; in earlier days of the government, he was taking inspiration from Junaid Jamshed’s national songs.

“By and by, I’ve reached the conclusion that folk music is a must to get inspiration for economic issues,” he explained, before singing a dhamal kaafee of Abida Perveen.

Before the news briefing, the finance minister addressed the Pakistani-American community at the embassy, explaining why the country needs a bailout package.

“A bailout package is necessary to the country as much as folk music is to a minister dealing with the economy,” he concluded the speech.

Satire: 20th ‘effective mechanism’ in the workings to bar outlawed leaders from polls

For the 101^st time in all, and 50^th time in 2019 alone, Minister of State for Interior Shehryar Khan Afridi has hinted at developing an effective mechanism to bar leaders of proscribed organisations from taking part in polls.

First winking at the crowd, and then looking into the eyes of TV cameras sternly, the firebrand minister of the firebrand Prime Minister Imran Khan’s cabinet told a dumbfounded gathering: “What has been happening in the past will not be allowed to continue.”

 Later on, he told reporters after addressing the closing ceremony of a spring festival at the Kohat garrison that if those proscribed organisations take part in elections with some other names and symbols in the coming local government elections, we will let them do and later on we will again come up with an another effective mechanism to bar leaders of proscribed organisations from taking part in polls with camouflaged names and symbols.  

If done so that will be for the 20th times in the history of Pakistan.

When asked whether a mechanism was being evolved to prevent leaders of banned outfits from taking part in electoral politics and to stop fourth schedulers from travelling for Haj and Umrah, the minister thundered that the impatient press needed to wait unless the mechanism was evolved.

The minister, very seriously, said that the ongoing “crackdown” on outlawed organisations had not been initiated under any external pressure.

“By external pressure, I don’t mean the opposition leaders such as Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, who day and night presses us to go tough on banned organisations. Mr Bilawal, please listen to my words with your open ears that we will not succumb to any external pressure.”

A reporter jumped in and said that China and America were also pressing Pakistan to rein in outlawed leaders, the minister smiled (for the first time after being inducted into the cabinet) and said that China and America were our friends and friends’ advice should not be dubbed as external pressure.   

He said the government was committed to transforming Pakistan so that nobody could point a finger at it.

He said the government has seized religious seminaries, ambulances, dispensaries, hospitals and other assets linked to the proscribed organisations. “The government has also released funds to run these assets,” he said. When a few reporters chuckled, the minister got angry and said he was not cracking a joke.

The reporter said that if the religious projects are running smoothly, what is the good of seizing them.

The minister said the world should appreciate the government for our good intentions.

Mr Afridi said in the past, whenever the FATF delegation arrived in the country, Pakistan’s case was weak because all state institutions were sending different vibes. However, this is not the case now, he added.

“Vibes are very important in such matters. The vibes, which influenced the elections 2018 would be used to FATF delegations,” he explained.

He said the spring festival in Kohat was the beginning of a new season. Over a dozen foreign diplomats attended the festival.

Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire.