Fuss over tomatoes halts discussion on extension bill

Debating the terms and regulations for the extension and tension-free tenure for the upcoming army chief, the opposition has rejected perks and privileges for the top army slot which includes a six-figure monthly salary, red book protocol, and five-kilogram tomatoes a month till retirement. 

"Five kg tomatoes?" shouted Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari on the floor of the House amid chants of "No tamatar, no tamatar" by the whole opposition. Some treasury members also joined the chorus "No tamatar, no tamatar". 

"We can accept an army chief with a life term but please exclude the five-kilo tomato package from their pay scale," said a PML-N leader. “Pakistan is a third world country which cannot tomato luxury.”

Finance Adviser Sheikh Hafeez, who drafted the extension bill for the army chief said he had included tomatoes in the package because the army chief deserved such a luxury package. 

PML-Q leader and Punjab Assembly Speaker Chaudhry Pervaiz Elahi said if their party was given a chance, they would increase the tomato quota for the army chief ten times and would elect them in uniform as president of Pakistan nine times.

From the treasury, Narcotics Minister Shehryar Afridi said that he was to surrender his life to Allah but tomatoes were valueless in the face of the valuable services of armed forces in curbing smuggling of tomatoes from Pakistan to Afghanistan.

Maulana Fazl unveils Plan R – Rest Time

After achieving the objectives of plans A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P and Q, the Jamiat Ulema-i-Islam-F (JUI-F) has started its plan R amid much fanfare under which the JUI-F along with other opposition parties will take rest until a feasible opportunity arises where the party can play some role.

“The government must fear the deadliest Plan R, where we will be in Rest Mode, means doing nothing,” said Maulana Fazlur Rehman’s spokesperson.

“When the opposition is into hibernation, the PTI government, which has been good at criticizing the opposition, will also have nothing to do, and soon it will fall.”

Criticizing the Plan R of the opposition, the federal cabinet called it a conspiracy against the government.

“We’re ready to give you 100 containers plus three times meal a day, but please continue some activity,” said Prime Minister Imran Khan. He said he was ready to provide good excuses to the opposition for a nationwide protest.

Famous TV analyst Irshad Bhatti said that he would share the detail of the PTI strategy to counter the Plan R in TV talk shows.

When prodded, he said that the PTI was going to start a protest movement against the opposition for not taking to the street.

When asked when the PTI would do so, he said this was the secret which even the PTI did not know.

“When the PTI itself is unaware of its protest plan, how can I have it? But Im sure the PTI had made such plans,” he said.

Student activists dejected for being ignored by trolls

Being ignored by a few dozen trolls, the males standing in the circle of students at Faiz Aman Mela have complained that the trolls ignored them and only picked leather jacket girl for trolling and making a star overnight.

“For God's sake, are we not good looking enough or were our noses running?” complained the young bearded man, who is also seen chanting slogans in the video gone viral online.  

“I chanted slogans and also shook head and legs on the tunes of the poetry and drum,” he said, pointing to his legs.

Twitter recorded 56 trolling messages regarding the leather jacket and long shoe woman ignoring the other hopefuls. Soon, social media sites were after the leather jacket and black knee-high shoes making her the star of the decade. She later explained that she was not from a rich family, still she managed to buy trendy shoes for the greater cause.

“But the thing is why I'm not being trolled? Why social media sites are not interviewing me? Please, don’t be gender-biased. We all are equal. I'm desperate for the revolution as much as that long black winter shoe lady is,” cried another youth, seeking anonymity. He said he had contacted a social media promotion company to troll him day and night so that he also became a social media star.

Asylum plea of Bhai received with mixed reaction in Bombay

Fearing the likely acceptance of Altaf Hussain’s plea for asylum in India, the the underworld of Bombay has gone underground and has contacted their mentors to stop the dhamaka arrival of the Great Bhai to their country, or face the consequences. However, all is not bleak as the jute bag has estimated a rise in the demand for boris in the coming months.

“We’ll have to stop his coming to the city or else,” shuddered Chota Bhai, the most-feared Don of Bombay’s Nine Zero Area, in an audio message sent to his friends. “Great Bhai has matchless skills of using oratory to mesmerize the crowds. He will demolish everyone ruling the world of Bombay.”

Welcoming Great Bhai’s asylum plea, the jute bags baron Kaka Tata has accelerated the establishment of jute bags’ production unit in the city.

“Soon, there will be a spike in demand for Boris,” said a source, close to him.

Meanwhile, different markets of the city shuttered as a mock drill to live in the Great Bhai’s world. Markets Association president Lota Bombaywala said they would welcome Bhai’s arrival with a seven-day shutter down.

According to our former MQM beat reporter, the youth of the city is enthusiastic about the Great Bhai’s life in Bombay.

“I would like to act as Farooq Sattar of the Great Bhai,” said a fake doctor.

“Consider me the sector in charge of the media houses,” said Indian Babar Ghori.

Scientists and PML-N find Qatari grapes sweet and curative

Announcing the landmark discovery of medicine to fight life-threatening diseases, world’s leading scientists have declared, and all in one voice, that Qatari grapes can cure all sort of diseases within minutes, and without leaving any sour or tangy taste in mouth.

“The amazing dose of a few Qatari grapes not only improves platelets, it can make a chronic patient healthy and hearty within minutes,” said the Qatar Airways crew, which experimented the grapes on Mian Nawaz Sharif, the former prime minister, and in the news for his Panama companies, and chronic illness for quite sometimes, during a flight from Doha to London on Tuesday.

“We can confirm that just seeing the grapes, Mian Sahib recovered very fast, and after eating them, he also ate his favorite Buryani, Alo Gosht, Paratha, Sir Paye, and Lahori Channay,” said the crew in a statement.

An insider of the PML-N, however, claimed that Mian Sahib recovered too fast because he made no deal with the PTI regime.

“If anything can be credited with the recovery of Mian Sahib, it is the Pakistan’s justice system, which made him a free man, a happy man and a healthy man,” said the leader on the condition of not disclosing their name, gender, locality and party office.

When asked for the reason for such a strong anonymity terms, the leader-cum-worker-cum-self-made-party representative said that no one knew if Mian Sahib had gone after striking a deal.

“In case, he doesn’t return, I need to make my future safe by looking for an opportunity in some other parties,” said the leader with serious looks.   

PTI sees Imran’s success in U-turn politics

Given the pattern of the fate of Imran Khan’s statements, the Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaf has advised the party chairman to give statements against his own party policies so that the party manifesto could be achieved.

“We said we will not give NRO to anyone, and you can see even those not seeking any concessions have won NRO without many efforts” said a party leader, who joined the PTI three hours ago, at a high-level meeting in Gani Bala on Monday.

Much to the shock of the new entrant, the party agreed to his suggestion.

“Ive also been thinking along these lines, and wanted to say something like this but at the eleventh hour, I would take a U-turn,” said a one-year-old PTI central leader.

After much brooding and 101 U-turns, and W-turns, the party announced a party policy:

1: NRO will be given to Asif Zardari and Hamza Shahbaz too.

2: One crore jobs will be curtailed and five million houses demolished.

3: PTI will not win the next elections.

4: Sheikh Rasheed will not be hired as a peon.

5: The PTI manifesto will NOT be followed.

6: 5,000 people will NOT be executed.

7: Price hike will see new heights.

8: TikTok girls will be allowed everywhere.

9:   Tax net will NOT be widened.

10: U-turns will be taken more frequently.

Shockingly, the PPP and PMLN have protested the NRO offer, while Sheikh Rasheed also looked resigned to fate.

The new policy triggered jubilation in party circles.