Satire: Foreign hands responsible for the street crime to hardcore terrorism in Pakistan, says Shah Mehmood Qureshi

Exonerating law-enforcers from negligence in the Oramara massacre on April 18 and an earlier suicide bombing in the Hazarganji market in Quetta, Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Qureshi on Saturday said that Pakistan expected that two brother countries – both Muslims fortunately, to take action against the terrorist groups behind the Ormara massacre.

Addressing a press conference in Islamabad, cool and calm Qureshi said that the whole country was angry and upset over the incident and wanted to know why this incident had taken place and who was behind it.

“I ask these two countries, particularly, and the whole world (except for brother countries like Saudi Arabia and America) generally, that why these incidents are happening and who is behind it,” he roared at the press conference without looking at journalists in front of him.

“On the basis of verified information, it is safe to say that the training and logistical camps of this new alliance are based inside these two countries,” he said.

At least 14 passengers were separated from other passengers on different buses and then shot dead by gunmen on the Makran Coastal Highway in Ormara, Balochistan early on Thursday. The Hazaganji bomber, however, was blind in the selection of his targets. Though, his main targets were the Hazaras, collateral damage claimed more than 10 non-Hazara people.

When asked why the two unnamed countries were being dubbed responsible for the bloodbath, Mr Qureshi reasoned that it was because whenever there was a suicide blast inside these two countries and even a third country, they all pointed finger at us.

“For these reasons, we have decided to blame these countries whenever there’s terrorism in Pakistan. This is called tit-for-tat diplomacy,” the seasoned diplomat minister argued.

About the law-enforcers’ role in combating terrorism, Mr Qureshi said they had done their job.

“Look, after the blast, who reached the site? Of course, our own law enforcers. Who cordoned off the crime scene? Who has registered the FIR? Who is investigating the case? Bhai, these difficult tasks are being done by our own police and other departments.”

He said he had asked the neighbouring countries to draft landmark documents like the National Action Programme so that whenever there is terrorism in their countries, they could show to their public that now NAP would be followed in letter and spirit.

“This strategy helps to soothe public anger, and we have experience in dealing with such situations again and again,” he said.

He also offered to share statements based on condemnation after every terrorist attack with neighboring countries.

“These statements are not only suitable for newspapers, but also for TV tikkers, and seminars and interviews.”  

"The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan avails itself of this opportunity to renew to the esteemed embassy the assurances of its highest consideration," a letter by the Ministry of Foreign Affairs concluded.

Science and Technology Minister Fawad rejects Newton’s laws of motion, call them a product of muk muka

Insisting he is more is a scientist and technologist than an MNA or PTI worker, newly-inducted Science and Technology Minister Fawad Chaudhry defiantly claimed on Friday that he does not believe in Newton's laws of motions, calling them a product of muk muka between the scientist and the scientist community of that time. 

“Who does not know this big secret that an object will remain at rest or in uniform motion in a straight line unless acted upon by an external force,” he said at the maiden press conference at his new office on Friday.

“What Newton sahib has revealed a secret here which is not known to us? Even a class eight student knows this fact. Even if someone doesn’t know this law, it doesn’t make any difference to their lives,” he reasoned.

When asked why Newton’s laws of motions had gained the worldwide recognition and approval, the scientist Chaudhry said that it was because of the corruption of Nawaz Sharif and Asif Zardari.

“You know Zardaris and Sharifs are symbols of status quo. The same is with these laws. That’s why I urge the National Accountability Bureau to initiate a probe into Newton’s laws and his assets too,” the firebrand minister said in a smiling tone.

Sources will never tell you but I am proud to reveal this that Prime Minister Imran Khan decided to make Fawad Chaudhry science and technology minister since the day he shocked the world with his research on the fuel consumption of a chopper from Banigala to Prime Minister Office. He says the chopper consumes fuel Rs55 per mile. His discovery sent shockwaves in the aeronautical industry and they checked their working again and again and at last, reached the conclusion the angels of Banigala were flying the chopper of the prime minister.  

When asked where these odd scientific things came to him from, the experienced minister said he had learned these things while being in the PML-Q, PPP, PTI and now close to QHG.

He also praised himself for being the ‘greatest’ and ‘the most-informed information minister of all time’. He said he never sought any information from any subordinate or any department.

About his spoken communications and tweets, Fawad Chaudhry seriously and defiantly claimed that she did not know what he was going to speak about and where the voice came from when he opened his mouth at a press conference or started composing a tweet.

“No one can control words. Neither you nor me. Not even Imran Khan. Even my leader never plans when he is going to say something. When we open our mouths, words start coming out and out automatically.”

More precisely, I read next day newspapers and watch a few talk-shows to see what I said, and why.

 “Sometimes, it’s abhorrent to see that the press questions my motives, which I never had. All I know is that when I open my mouth, the people in front of me start laughing or try to suppress their laughter.”

Dollar, stock markets begin to crash after Asad Umar resignation; Fawad insists Asad is still finance minister

As soon as Asad Umar tweeted about his plan not to accept the energy ministry, and to step down from the finance ministry on Thursday, stock markets across the world, encomiasts and businesses reacted sharply over the departure of one of the finest finance ministers. Dollar crashed in local currency exchange to as low as Rs70 as it was being bought at Rs71.13 and sold at Rs72.  

Mr Umar told a press the conference that it was time to make some "difficult decisions for me" as the public had enough seen difficult times. He said his act to leave the ministry would also stabilise the economy and that he hoped his successor would follow his wonderful policies.

“Who says inflation went by 8 per cent?” he retorted when a reporter asked him about the inflation rate.

“You people were eating one egg and two slices in breakfast when the inflation rate was 5.8 per cent; you eat one egg and two slices now when inflation is 10.9l; so where is the difference on your life?”
He said regardless of the petrol prices, one motorcyclist would get Rs100 petrol every time they visit the petrol pumps.

“Whatever the price of petrol, a commoner is least affected by it,” he argued.  

Fawad Chaudhry, however, tweeted that the people should not take Asad Umar seriously, as he was still a finance minister.

“Who takes Asad Umer’s tweet seriously?” Fawad said in a tweet to rubbish the report of Asad Umar’s resignation.

“You know Asad Umer has been our choice for the finance minister for the last eight years. He will continue as finance minister as long as there is finance in the country. He’ll cease the office with the depletion of finances.”

Asad Umar ended his tweet by saying: "I strongly believe @ImranKhanPTI is the best hope for Pakistan and inshAllah will make a naya Pakistan."

Fawad Chaudhry, however, insisted that the tweet not be taken seriously.

“Yes, not even his last lines of the tweet,” Fawad Chaudhry told a TV channel.

Asad Umar also told a press conference that Fawad Chaudhry’s portfolio was being changed. Reacting to this, Fawad Chaudhry tweeted, “Did anyone ever see Asad Umar coming up with accurate information?”  

 This is a piece of satire. 

Malik Riaz announces establishing Bahria Town in Black Hole

Taking Bahria Town to new heights, Malik Riaz Hussain has announced launching its Baharia Town’s new luxury scheme – Black Hole Bahria Town Complex – in Black Hole, whose image was recently unveiled by NASA.

“Placed in the heart of the Black Hole, our new project is with its own captivating history and cultural heritage. It will be the site for one of the world's earliest human settlements,” said a press release issued by the real estate icon’s office late on Tuesday.

The project promises pure air, pure water, pure earth, pure sunshine and pure people. This is 55 million light years away from the Earth but that is not a big deal for the iconic developer, whose most of the projects are still are 55 million light years away from being realised. Not only him, have other estate developers’ projects also turned out to be millions of light years away. 

Telescopes from eight centres across the world worked as one unit to piece together this image. The stunning image looked like an uneven gold ring, heavier at the lower end than the upper.

Of course, the black hole itself cannot be seen, because light cannot escape its intense gravitational attraction. The so-called event horizon that envelops the black hole is the point of no return and any object transgressing this boundary is lost.

Even though no one has reached the black hole, the developer’s office said: “Pure is the nature of the Black Hole project. The landscape of the Black Hole ranges from lofty mountains in the north, through dissected plateaus to the rich alluvial plains of the hole. Then follow desolate barrenness of the place and the hot dry deserts blending into miles and miles of black-gold beaches of the coast.

The billionaire developer recently struck a deal with the Supreme Court legitimizing its ill-gotten land in Malir district.

It is being speculated that the project is being developed on the Black Hole to avoid jurisdiction of the court. A lawyer, however, said NAB could still prosecute him for one reason or another. 

Real estate dealers have expressed pleasure over the announcement of the project. They said the project would be a big success because of its no-noise environment, no-leadshedding regime and no-noisy neighbors.  

SATIRE: NAB starts investigation into Shehbaz’s marriages

Finding a few typos in summons draft, National Accountability Bureau (NAB) Chairman Javed Iqbal on Monday ordered the cancellation of summons issued by his department to the wife and daughters of PML-N president Shehbaz Sharif on Saturday in an investigation regarding money laundering and accumulation of assets beyond known sources of income.

“You know Shehbaz Sharif is a person of many marriages, and I think before slapping summons on him and his wife, NAB will need to investigate that to which wife, these summonses be served,” a source without seeking anonymity, quoted the NAB chairman as having said.

The NAB chairman issued directives in a visit to the NAB Lahore office, says a press release.

It said the NAB chairman was briefed on “marriages – both brief, and long lasting – of Shehbaz Sharif, and of course, corruption cases” and cases concerning the Sharif family by the director general of NAB.

The NAB chairman was very serious to investigate Shehbaz Sharif’s marriages. He was, however, told that it was a long story, which NAB may not fully unearth.

Earlier, he ordered the kiki dance video footage and issued summons to the model seen in the footage. The PIA summons was later withdrawn.

“The chairman NAB has decided that he himself will directly supervise the cases regarding the Sharif family,” the statement said.

According to the press release, NAB chairman Iqbal ordered the cancellation of the summons notices to the family of Shahbaz Sharif.

Before Shehbaz Sharif, the occupant of the chief minister, Malik Ghulam Mustafa Khar, is also alleged to have married multiple times.

How many times?

“No one exactly knows the number of Khar’s marriages, and likewise Sharif’s marriages,” said NAB sources.

“I bet even Khar and Sharif themselves will not remember the number of their honeymoons,” said the source, who works in NAB’s monetary crime wing.

The NAB move to issue the summons had drawn a strong reaction not only from the PML-N but also from the PPP as both parties saw a political motive behind it.

Satire: Discussions to get package to pay the previous bailout loan continue between Pakistan and IMF

In yet another bailout package discussion between Pakistan and the International Monetary Fund (IMF), either side has agreed to bail out Pakistan’s ailing economy till another bailout package is discussed.

“The first option before going to the IMF was suicide,” said smiling Finance Minister Asad Umar at a Thursday night news briefing at the Pakistan Embassy in Washington. He did not say that they are going to preserve that option for another election speech, the minister, however, said that was the last bailout package, the government was going to avail. Perhaps he meant that in 2019, this would be the only bailout package.

“During the last two days, we have, more or less, reached an understanding,” he explained, triggering a debate among psychologists working on the modern theories of ‘understanding between a lender, and a loan getter. “This is a groundbreaking news for all the psychologists who earlier thought that creating understanding on monetary issues is a complex and time taking process; no, it’s so simple and a two-day activity,” said the American Psychology Association spokesperson with baffled looks.

“In the next day or two, we hope to reach a full agreement and then we will share the details with you,” the finance minister said. When pressed to share a few details for the media consumption, the minister said the good news is that bailout package would bail the ailing economy of us; the bad news is that it will be short-lived.

The minister said the cheque would be ready in next few weeks. What will happen before that?

“In the next step, the IMF will send its mission to Pakistan in the next few weeks to work out technical details. But in principle, we have reached an agreement,” he said.

“In such matters, understanding is more important than cheques,” he lectured on ‘understanding’ theories.

The minister is nowadays listening to folk music; in earlier days of the government, he was taking inspiration from Junaid Jamshed’s national songs.

“By and by, I’ve reached the conclusion that folk music is a must to get inspiration for economic issues,” he explained, before singing a dhamal kaafee of Abida Perveen.

Before the news briefing, the finance minister addressed the Pakistani-American community at the embassy, explaining why the country needs a bailout package.

“A bailout package is necessary to the country as much as folk music is to a minister dealing with the economy,” he concluded the speech.

Satire: 20th ‘effective mechanism’ in the workings to bar outlawed leaders from polls

For the 101^st time in all, and 50^th time in 2019 alone, Minister of State for Interior Shehryar Khan Afridi has hinted at developing an effective mechanism to bar leaders of proscribed organisations from taking part in polls.

First winking at the crowd, and then looking into the eyes of TV cameras sternly, the firebrand minister of the firebrand Prime Minister Imran Khan’s cabinet told a dumbfounded gathering: “What has been happening in the past will not be allowed to continue.”

 Later on, he told reporters after addressing the closing ceremony of a spring festival at the Kohat garrison that if those proscribed organisations take part in elections with some other names and symbols in the coming local government elections, we will let them do and later on we will again come up with an another effective mechanism to bar leaders of proscribed organisations from taking part in polls with camouflaged names and symbols.  

If done so that will be for the 20th times in the history of Pakistan.

When asked whether a mechanism was being evolved to prevent leaders of banned outfits from taking part in electoral politics and to stop fourth schedulers from travelling for Haj and Umrah, the minister thundered that the impatient press needed to wait unless the mechanism was evolved.

The minister, very seriously, said that the ongoing “crackdown” on outlawed organisations had not been initiated under any external pressure.

“By external pressure, I don’t mean the opposition leaders such as Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, who day and night presses us to go tough on banned organisations. Mr Bilawal, please listen to my words with your open ears that we will not succumb to any external pressure.”

A reporter jumped in and said that China and America were also pressing Pakistan to rein in outlawed leaders, the minister smiled (for the first time after being inducted into the cabinet) and said that China and America were our friends and friends’ advice should not be dubbed as external pressure.   

He said the government was committed to transforming Pakistan so that nobody could point a finger at it.

He said the government has seized religious seminaries, ambulances, dispensaries, hospitals and other assets linked to the proscribed organisations. “The government has also released funds to run these assets,” he said. When a few reporters chuckled, the minister got angry and said he was not cracking a joke.

The reporter said that if the religious projects are running smoothly, what is the good of seizing them.

The minister said the world should appreciate the government for our good intentions.

Mr Afridi said in the past, whenever the FATF delegation arrived in the country, Pakistan’s case was weak because all state institutions were sending different vibes. However, this is not the case now, he added.

“Vibes are very important in such matters. The vibes, which influenced the elections 2018 would be used to FATF delegations,” he explained.

He said the spring festival in Kohat was the beginning of a new season. Over a dozen foreign diplomats attended the festival.

Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire.