JI to wage Kashmir jihad with new catchy slogans

Coming up with a befitting reply to Indian brutalities in occupied Kashmir, the Jamaat-i-Islami (JI) has vowed to launch jihad and in this connection, it has convened its grand shura to create some catchy, provocative ‘Zalmu Qazi A Raha Hi’ type slogans.

“Our jihad starts with slogans and ends with slogans and meanwhile, if dollars show kindness to us, that is the mark of acceptance of our struggle,” said a JI leader at a party.

When asked why the party was banking on slogans alone, he said their struggle based on ‘Kashmir-bazor-e-shamsher’ proved to be futile.

“One can see that Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaf which has neither tehreek nor Insaf in its ranks conquered Islamabad only on the base of shallow slogans. So, we have reached the conclusion that we should put our focus on slogans only.”

Reacting to the development, some PTI members said their struggle was based on both the dhrana and slogans, and that our slogans were not shallow.

“The JI must note that our slogans have been evolved into U-turns.  Whatever our slogans were, they have been U-turned. We hope the JI cannot afford even a single U-turn,” said a PTI member, taking a U-turn on The Mall in Lahore.    

August 14 will be a day after Aug 13: Fawad Chaudhry

After reading Fawad Chaudhry tweets that Eidul Azha will be on August 12, the Central Reut-i-Hilal Committee chairman has announced that the Zilhaj moon has been sighted in Pakistan. Meanwhile, Fawad Chaudhry’s App has predicted that August 14 will be on August 14, a day after August 13.

"(As Fawad Chaudhry has confirmed) Eidul Azha will be celebrated in Pakistan on Aug 12," he said while reading Fawad Chaudhry’s tweet on his mobile phone. The chairman made the announcement in Karachi before reporters after reading the tweet three times and receiving testimonies that the tweet was genuine.

The chairman said that the committee had received 72 testimonies from across the country that Fawad Chaudhry had sighted the moon and they had read his tweet with a large telescope.

The government on Wednesday has declared August 12, 13, 14 and 15 as holidays on account of Eidul Azha. This was announced after Fawad Chaudhry’s App said that August 14, the independence day will be right on August 14, not a day before as Popalzai had said.

According to a notification issued by the Ministry of Interior, Saturday, August 17, however, will be a working day.

In June, Minister for Science and Technology Fawad Chaudhry had already announced that this year, Eidul Azha will fall on Monday, Aug 12.

Great climate of Islamabad linked to Faisal Vawda’s silence

Expecting a landmark discovery, medical researchers and experts are examining the climate of Islamabad as under its influence, Federal Minister Faisal Vawda has not given a statement in the last 30 days. According to researchers, this is the longest period in the history of mankind when Faisal Vawda has not given a laughable statement.

“The climate looks great for the people like Faisal Vawda,” said Dr Researcher while examining the impacts of the air and climate of Islamabad on Sunday.

He suggested if President Trump, Saudi Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman, Prime Minister Modi and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un were made to stay in Islamabad along with Faisal Vawda, the world would be a better place.

“Since it is impossible to keep Trump, MBS, Modi and Kim, we should be happy with the current situation of Faisal Vawda. He has not spoken to the media for over a month, which has brought lots of normalcy in the country,” said the doctor.

Sources close to Faisal Vawda, however, said the minister was all well and doing great work in his office.

When contacted, Faisal Vawda said the climate of Islamabad was rubbish.

“The opposition thinks that after plastic ban, they will be able to get me gagged. I know their worth and I know how to handle them.”  

Cabinet sees solution to Kashmir issue in dharna along LoC

Taking a decisive decision on the Kashmir issue, the federal cabinet has decided to arrange a viniferous dharna along the Line of Control so that the Modi government crumbles down.

“This is the time-tested formula to weaken and topple governments; we have done this at D Chowk and we will do it again at LoC and its vibrations will reach the corridors of New Delhi and soon the Modi government will go home,” Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Information and Broadcasting Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan said on PTV.

Reacting to the federal cabinet’s announcement on dharna, opposition leader Fazalur Rehman ridiculed the cabinet for coming up with an outdated idea.

“Dharan only works herein Islamabad; if you want to have some visible change on the Kashmir issue, you need to first make the Kashmir Committee effective. When I was the chairman of the NA Committee on Kashmir, no government in New Delhi had the courage to change the status of India-held Kashmir. Now, when you’ve removed the experienced hand, the result is in front of you.”

Hailing the dharna decision, several TV anchors tweeted that the occasion would provide them with ample chances to go live 24/7.

Meanwhile, the nation has vowed to fight for Kashmir along with the armed forces (but only through tweets).

US asks PTI govt to do more to look busier

Reiterating their usual demand of ‘do more’, the US government has asked the Pakistani Tehreek-i-Insaf to “do more without doing anything to their public, which it has been doing since its inception one year ago on July 25”.

“The US congratulates the government of Pakistan on doing great things in the last one year,” reads a message by the US State Department, issued on July 25.

“We have observed that the government spent its energies on making plans, then making them popular and later on scrapping them. That’s not bad. At least the government looks busy every time. Doing nothing is also great.”

Several US policy institutes have invited former finance minister Asad Umer to teach them the art of making plans in the castle.

“Asad Umer has mastered the art of making five millions houses without using even a single brick. He also created 10 million jobs without hiring even a single person. He remained a would-be finance minister for five years and an actual finance minister for six months. He is a living finance marvel,” said the statement.

Commenting on the US State Department’s statement, Asad Umer said he comment only after constructing five million houses and creating 10 million jobs. When asked how would he achieved such a huge targets, he said he had stopped listening to the songs of Junaid Jamshed and his new choice was Sahir Lodhi’s songs. 

Trump orders container for opponents after meeting Imran

Within hours of meeting with Pakistan Prime Minister Imran Khan, US President Donald Trump has ordered his staff to get prepared a container and send it to Democrats. Besides, Mr Trump also ordered a nationwide survey to find how many prisoners had the facility of air-conditioners and televisions in US jails. He said he would also ask Congress to empower the US president to remove these facilities with their own hands.

According to the US media, the US president has also started to learn cricket and will soon change his scenic and lush green golf courses into cricket grounds.

“I have got to know that the leader who has played cricket and has been a cricket team captain is also good in politics, statements, opposition handlings, U-turns and marriages,” he told his close circles through a tweet.

“Now, I've come to realize that I need to learn cricket first. So far, my performance on U-turns has been pathetic. I have delivered most of my election promises, which is not good to become a handsome and popular leader.”

Democrats in the US have protested Trump’s container plan, calling it a move against democratic principles of great America. In an interview with CNN, Democrats’ presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said they rejected the move. The CNN, however, pulled the interview off air within minutes.

Satire: Kalbhushan rejects ICJ verdict; demand home-made food

Rejecting the United Nation forum’s decision, Indian spy commander Kalbhushan Jadhav has said that he is not much excited about the ruling that he will have access to the consular. In fact, my core demand is, he told TV channels in a recorded interview, he also be allowed home-made food as the Pakistani government has also allowed such a facility to Nawaz Sharif, who just like me is Modi ka Yaar.

“The cell, where I’ve been detained, has everything but I want only home-made food. I have heard that Nawaz Sharif has eaten 21 times gosht; I’m a vegetarian but I would love to have sea-food, cooked by my own wife. If Nawaz Sharif has been allowed the food he wants to, the government should also allow me the same facility.”

He said that he wanted his government in New Delhi to raise the issue of food.

“The food provided to me has all signs of Naya Pakistan. It is tasteless and calories-less. It is devoid of proteins and vitamins. After every meal, I feel like dancing and shouting: corruption, corruption,” he said.

Reacting to the demand of the detained spy, 101 spokespersons of the government in one chorus:

“if Kalbhushan feels the jail food is tasteless, it is just because of the corruption of Zardari and Nawaz Sharif.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Imran Khan said Kalbhushan Jadhav will be released soon but he will not be given an NRO.