Under-training CM Buzdar learns the art of condemning blast and issuing a statement in 10 minutes

Under-training Chief Minister Usman Buzdar was still under the influence of lassi and paratha feast served to him at Sehri, when his advisors tutored him on how to condemn a blast, and our sources said that chief minister learned the art within 10 minutes, which shows he is not a slow learner.

The scourage of terrorism struck a police van outside Lahore’s patron saint Data Sahib early on Tuesday.

“Sir, you need to condemn the blast,” an advisor was caught as having whispered to the chief minister.

“But how? Tell me.”

Mr Buzdar was told to say that he strongly condemned the blast that he needed to say sacrifices given by the Pakistani army and the nation against terrorism would certainly bear fruit.

At this, he repeated three times: I strongly condemn the blast. 

The chief minister asked the team to make sure that these words had not been said by his predecessors.

This panicked the advisors. They consulted each other and a few reporters, experts on table story beat, who helped them save the day.

He was told to say that he had ordered the departments concerned to investigate into the blast and prepare a thorough report on the incident.

“Yes, but I haven't instructed any department on anything, so how can I say so?” he asked the chief advisor.

“Sir, the departments concerned will read your statement tomorrow in newspapers, and the story would convey them your strong instructions,” said one of the advisors.

The chief minister told reporters that he strongly condemned the blast near the vehicle of the elite force outside Data Darbar.

When he was talking to reporters at the blast scene, the chief minister also said he expressed a deep sense of sorrow over the death of citizens and police officials and “I extend sympathies to the bereaved heirs”.

When the chief the minister was asked to say that ‘I will personally monitor the progress on the blast case investigation, Mr Buzdar said how could he personally monitor everything when his schedule was so tight.

Mr Buzdar said (on his own) that investigation agencies would soon trace the case.

Investigation agencies, however, were clueless about the chief minister's desire.

Once the chief minister strongly condemned the attack, his media team issued the press release to the media.

Ministry of Spirituality and Science created; Haq made minister to shock Chaudhry

A day after he announced his landmark project of promoting spirituality and science and technology along spiritual lines, Prime Time Minister Khan 92 announced creating the Ministry of Spirituality and Science and elevated his advisor and decades-old lieutenant Mul Haq as the minister for Spirituality and Science, according to our spirituality beat reporter, who learned about the development from supernatural sources.

Before Mul Haq could take oath, Science and Technology Minister, who loves to be known as former information minister, Betab Chaudhry tweeted: Look what’s happening here in naya Pakistan?

Spiritual forces, however, diminished this twitter war.

Social media remained unaware of the development, so no twitter trends could be developed. Another reason for social media inaction on the development was a spat (which later tuned out to be a serious fight on social media) between the talk show anchor and social media sensation on a local rating-hungry TV channel.

The anchor shouted at the guest and bullied him at one time.

The newly-created ministry, however, reacted strongly to the talk show match, and said this happened due to people’s lack of understanding of otherworldly matters.

The new ministry would help the cricket team win the world cup so that another prime minister could be manufactured in the next 22 years.

No government person was ready to comment on the development.

“We know that you’re doing it for your satire piece, so this is not worth comment,” said a person who lives 200km from Banigala.

     

Moon sighting body head to help NASA how to discover crescent with naked eye on a cloudy day

Holy Moon Mining and Sighting Committee Chairman Mufti No Moon Sighted has decided to teach NASA the art of moon sighting without actually seeing it, and he would also help the American aeronautics and space body to locate and rehabilitee their lost and dead Curiosity Rover.

Mr No Moon Sighted announced this neither at a press conference nor through a press release. Our gut feeling is that sources close to him are saying so. NASA did not release any update on these reports.  

Anyhow, the future will tell what is Mr No Moon Sighted is up to, but it is said that he would help NASA on how not to see the crescent and that how to see it on a cloudy day.

Reacting to the reports, Peshawar-based astronaut Popalzai has announced reaching NASA office two days ahead of Mr No Moon’s arrival there.

“You know how we have been beating him over the years over the issue of moon,” he smiled.

Undeterred by the Peshawar problem, Mr No Moon said he would land at NASA office with his technology – the committee members, who are seen around him on TV screens on a night, when everybody is expecting it to be a Chaand Raat.

He also supported prime minister’s announcement of combining spiritually and science, and said he had already brought the two closer.

“If you see through my eyes, you can clearly see Qamar, I mean the moon, on the horizon of Pakistan,” he said. He did not explain further.  

Prime Minister Imran Khan said on Sunday at a ceremony after laying the foundation stone of a university near Sohawa town of Jhelum district the university would link science and spirituality. We consider spirituality a super science which needs research and that research will be conducted here,” Mr Khan said.

The prime minister said that 35 per cent students of the university would be given spiritual scholarships and the institution would be run on the pattern of spirituality, adding that the institution was being set up through funds raised by spirits.

Satire: Summit celebrates crisis in media houses, calls readers, viewers the real problem

Celebrating the success of crisis in the media, a group of editors (both flop and successful), retired editors, budding editors, and family and friends of editors have held readers and viewers responsible for the ongoing crisis in media houses, and called for their training as well as strict laws to keep them in limits.

The group, which consists of only (self-made) legends, and (self-styled) great names, met at the Shughal Mela Summit at an undisclosed location to discuss media matters like the crisis in media houses, disinformation and so on.  

One of the great names said at the summit the crisis had brought opportunities for them, such as this gathering of great names.

“At least, now we know who’s great and who’s not,” said a great backbencher.

A session on ‘How the crisis happened’, another great name was of the view that with their persistent work and dedication, they had brought about the crisis.

“We’ve lost readers and viewers over the years,” announced one panelist, who started his career as an editor in 1950 at the age of 10. “We were told that the reader wants new content. We were reminded that storytelling is important in stories. But we’ve resisted their demands, and today, by the grace of God, we are left with a few loyal readers, and we will keep testing their loyalty too.”  

A great name from a popular TV channel, however, warned the audience that the loyal audience was the most dangerous things for the media, and there should be a discussion in the summit on how to get rid of them.

“The work is ongoing, and very soon, loyal audience would be a rare species,” smiled an editor. In the concluding remarks of the session, the moderator asked if anyone in the summit had been affected by the crisis. Only one person stood up. He was first condemned and later on chucked out of the summit.

The summit discussed fake news and most of the participants were convinced that fake news was as real as hell.

“Look, what am I doing?” smiled the great name panelist.

“Smiling,” said the audience in a chorus.

“Oh, come on, it is a fake smile. Now, how many of you disagree that a fake smile is not a smile?”

Silence. 

Then, a round of applause erupted in the hall. The panelist smiled again. Guess, was it a real smile or otherwise?

The summit also condemned those journalists who were still working despite pay cut, salary delay and long working hours. By the time, this report was being published, the summit was ongoing.

Gulali denies she offered Bilawal merger, calls video fake

Denying that she has offered Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari to merge their party with her World Justice Party- Shaista Gulali Wazir (WJP-AGE), the head of her own powerful one-person party, Ayesha Gulali Wazir, says the video viral online is doctored and fake.

Recently, the video was doing the rounds on social media where Gulalai is seen advising Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) Chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari to merge his “small party” with her ageless WJP-SGE.

“It’s true that such offer has been on my mind for quite some time, but I haven’t released any video on it, and that currently, the PPP doesn’t meet criteria for the merger,” she said in an exclusive interview with this blogger.  

She warned that after one week, she would call this interview fake too. When asked why she would call the interview fake, she said that please write that “Gulali chose not to explain the reasons”.

She said her one-person party’s agenda was to impose a one-person rule all over the world, and for this reason, her party had expanded its chapter to all parts of the world. Right now, she is busy in Indian elections, where her two parties – Indian Congress Party and Bharatiya Janata Party – are trying their luck. She explained as both parties accused each other of a threat to democracy, both could be her party.

Her own party fared badly in the 2018 elections in Pakistan, after she left the PTI, which had elected her an MNA in 2013 elections.

“Look, Pakistan is too small to accommodate my party; that’s why I didn’t take part in the 2018 election seriously. And by the way, who takes elections here seriously?” she asked in somber tune.

“Ask Americans under the Trump rule, do they take elections seriously anymore? I think only Putin is so serious in polls.”

When asked about her worldwide agenda, she said her party had recently formed its government in Sudan.

 “Thailand is also my party’s government. Egypt and Myanmar are my countries too.”

Pakistan is not your country?

“Of course, Punjab, Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, and Balochistan are also my governments.”

Book review: reviving folk media

Perhaps we are the last generation who has seen the riots of folk media unleashing on our neighbourhood streets or in local grounds so often. Millennial sees a few elements of folk culture as a luxury, whereas most of the folk media is now in a preservation mode. 

The impression gets roots when one sees the book titled ‘Saqafati Media’ or folk media, by Moneeba Iftikhar, which is a sincere effort to keep the folk media drum rolling.

Moneeba Iftikhar is a woman of many parts – a university lecturer, a PhD scholar, a trainer, a poet, and a good human being. These are her faces, which I know so far. Being an author is just another feather in her cap. The choice of the subject for the book is praiseworthy, for not many people, especially those studying mass communication, know about the history and characteristics of folk media of Punjab. Yes, the 72-page book takes the readers to the world of folk media, history, introduction, characteristics, types, pros and cons, and theater – an effective modern source of cultural communication.

The book, written in a textbook mode, highlights the importance of cultural rites passed on generation to generation through folk media in the evolution of society. Of course, modern media facilitates a greater part of the world faster and more efficiently, but then there is a heavy cost of it. Folk media would bring people close to each other, whereas the modern media has brought about virtual changes creating huge gaps in family members and communities. Once a delight for the whole town – puppetry, drama (natak), jhoomer, mahaiya, tappa and street theatre – the folk media refuses to shed its appeal among the people because of its strong message and deep connectivity with the roots of land.

Those cultural dresses, weddings rites, street sports, traditional dishes and riddles need to be revived and promoted. How many of us keep going to decades-old melas? Not many.

The book dedicates a chapter on theater and explains its types like tamasha, notanki, galli tamasha (street play), bian kahani (storytelling), pahelian (riddles), idioms and folk music. True, theater keeps on surviving the onslaught of the modernity, but the incumbent theater has come a long way. Gone are those days when a mobile theater would land in a nearby village in my hometown Muzaffargarh in post-wheat harvest months. I would regularly visit the theater every night to watch Heer Ranjha. The woman in her old 40s had been playing the role of Heer in the theater for decades. She would get round of cheers whenever she challenged the villain character. She was never harassed by the audience. Such was the power of theater. The last time, the mobile theater visited the village was in 2008.

Thank you, Moneeba Iftikhar for indulging me in the romance of folk media. The book, however, is full of stumbles, such as bookish definitions, straight narration and lack of story-telling. Folk media is a realm of no-stumble. When you revise the book, or write another book on folk media, make it as interesting as a theater, as challenging as a riddle, as fluent as a mahiya, as smooth as round of jhoomer, and as beautiful as Moneeba.

Labour unions told to stop shun over-repeated sher on Labour Day or ‘Your time is up’

At a three-hour long press conference, the director general of a private security in Lahore has asked labour unions to come up with at least new poetry, if not themes, in Labour Day rallies or face ban.

Retired Captain Wasif Majboor, the director general of the Internal Security Providers Company, told a press conference on Wednesday the labour unions, who remained idle and inactive the whole year, were to work only on May 1, the Labour Day, but they seemed ill-prepared for this day too.

“I’ve got reports from all over Pakistan that the over-repeated, ghissa pitta and meaningless verses were recited at rallies by the leaders, who have been addressing these rallies for decades,” the visibly shaken Majboor told the gathering.  He said he would recommend the government to ban this sher, which according to him, was read out at least 2, 350 times in Punjab alone on May 1, with an immediate effect.   

Reciting this sher, the director general waved his fist, smiled and said: Your time is up. He repeated, “Your time is up.”

When asked by a brave reporter that in what capacity he had called the press conference and how come he was calling the shots, at which the director general smiled, and appreciated the positive role of media.  

“Look, we get inspiration from our institutions and media,” he said, without offering further explanation.

Continuing with his sermon, the director general, who was earlier just a manager of his recently-established company, said labourers should change the themes of their rallies too.

“Stop crying about bhook or low wages,” he thundered.

“I know you never sleep hungry. Haven’t you seen the oversized bellies of your union leaders?”  

The director general also spoke at length on the importance of smart working, and not hard work.  

“With smart work, and a little investment, you can develop towns and industrial estates.”

He also criticized Nasa’s Black Hole image, which was recently released.

“Before you release the image, you had better tell us about your source of funding. Unless the source is funding is clear, you should not

Also, the director general of the private company appreciated the new local government law, and the law would help Pakistan improve its exports, and ties with Japan and Germany.   

Reacting to the press conference, several labour unions leaders appreciated the concerns of the director general and said they demanded that the government, civil society and all labourers burn mid-night oil to find new shers for the May 1 rallies.

Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, however, released a song on social media, where he is seen singing the under fire sher.