Buzdar plans to complete training in 2020

On the insistence of 34 spokespersons and remaining PTI MPAs, Chief Minister Usman Buzdar has agreed to greet the people of Punjab ‘Happy New Year’ calling 2020 the last year of his training, probation, and silence.

“On December 31, 2020, I will wish the people of Punjab Happy New Year on my own because by that time, my training would have been over,” sacked spokesperson of Punjab government Shahbaz Gul said in a tweet on the behalf of Mr Buzdar.

Reacting to the tweet, Mr Buzdar did not show any reaction, which shows his training is going on successfully.

For 2020, Mr Buzdar has planned lots of activities.

According to Mr Gul, Mr Buzdar has no plans to rehire him. Also, he will not sack Fayyazul Hasan Chohan. Moreover, he has no interest in shooting footage with TikTok girls Hareem Shah and Sandal Khattak.

For Lahore, Mr Buzdar has an amazing plan: he will not inaugurate Orange Line Metro Train. Moreover, he will pick and drop three families during rains in Lahore city.

About suspending DCs and DPOs from jobs, it is said Mr Buzdar will only follow the orders of Prime Minister Imran Khan.

PML-N and PPP leaders have agreed not to criticise Mr Buzdar to weaken his position.

“Mr Buzdar is the only CM in the human history, who has done lot of work silently,” said PPP leader Qamar Zaman Kaira. His statement has been rejected by the whole PTI.  

No Comment is the best comment

Breaking their long and uneasy silence, PML-N president Shehbaz Sharif and real president and prime minister candidate Maryam Nawaz have said they have not read special court’s verdict on the high treason case, and even once they have read it, they may not comment on it.

Talking to their family friends, according to sources, they said their silence on the critical issue did not mean they had done a deal with the government.

“No, never; in fact, I’ve forgotten the password of my twitter account,” she said, when asked why her inqalibi Twitter handle was silent.

She said she was really unaware of the Musharraf case and the verdict.

“In fact, I am trying to fly to London to fight for vote ko izat do, because the UK had just conducted polls and the people must be made aware of the slogan of vote ko izat.

On the other hand, Shehbaz Sharif said that he was busy counting the platelets of his Nawaz Sharif, once the count is done, he would comment on politics. He said there was no deal between us and them.

When asked to explain ‘them’, he pointed his finger to his shoulders.

What?

“Try to understand, I am not talking about NASA people.”

Malik Riaz lauded for ordering NCA to send money to Pakistan

Demonstrating his true Pakistani side, property tycoon, alias Malik Riaz, has forced the UK National Crime Agency to hand over the keys to his £50 million London mansion to the Pakistani government, Pakistani media reported on Thursday. He also ordered the NCA to call the matter a civil suit, if not donation, and also ordered the NCA to relinquish the vast sum in cash and assets to Pakistan.

"We appreciated property tycoon, alias Malik Riaz, for surrendering family's crown jewel in the capital One Hyde Park Place – a £50 million, 16,000 sq ft, Grade II listed mansion overlooking central London's famous park, to the cash strapped government," 20 TV anchors in their prime time talk shows at a time on Thursday night. 

Welcoming the move, Prime Minister's Dream Partner in Repatriation of Looted Money Shahzad Akbar said the government would reluctantly welcome the return of 'hard-earned' money of the property tycoon, alias Malik Riaz, to Pakistan, and it showed his true love for the Pakistani land. 

Our sources, however, said the property tycoon, alias Malik Riaz, wanted to develop Baharia Town, London phase, which was foiled by the NCA after he refused to gift a plot to the NAC chief.

The NCA chief did not refute the allegation because we never contacted them. Their response will be published after seeking permission from the publisher and editor, both residents of Baharia Town.

Polite talk show host discovered in Asia

To the disbelief of millions of TV talk shows fans across Pakistan, an unidentified TV channel claims to have hired a talk show host, who has the power to stop himself from insulting the panelist and let them complete their talk.

“Believe us or not, that is your choice, but the thing is we have really discovered Asia’s first talk show host who does not like to be called as an anchor, and treats guests with respect,” said a press release issued by TV channel management.

The host, who has yet to run his first show, is stated to be cool, smart and polite. Sources say during the audition, he not for a single time tries to shout at guests or cut out them. He only asks questions and once the guest completes their talk, he turns to the next.

“Unbelievable, and, of course, it’s fake news,” laughed Dr Amir Liaquat Hussain, Mubashir Lucman and Jasmin Manzoor in a joint statement issued today.  Hamid Mir said such anchor will come and go but we will remain here. Kashif Abbasi said ratings do not respect those who respect panelists. So simple! Maalik of Hum News said he had nothing to do with the polite host news story.

Minister Fawad Chaudhry and PML-N’s Talal Chaudhry have welcomed the discovery of the polite host.

Shaukat Yousafzai sees defeat against Australia in fact a grand victory of Pakistan cricket

 

Congratulating the children of the chief of army staff (nation) on the humiliating defeat of the Pakistani cricket team in Australia, Every-Cloud-Has-a-Silver-Lining Minister Shaukat Yousuf has said that the Australian team will have to repent and face consequences for winning Test matches against Pakistan, while the Pakistani team would emerge the real victor in the chapters of history (of Punjab Textbook Board).

“Who says our team was defeated?” mocked the minister while talking to himself. “Our Shaheen bowlers bowled simply bad balls only to destroy the form of Kangaroos; now, whenever they face tough balls, Australian batsmen will miss Pakistani bowlers and then in ko phir lag pata jaye ga’.

He said the Pakistani team’s strategy was to create discord among Australian players.

“When the Australian captain enforced ‘declare’ at 537-3, the remaining seven batsmen in the bank beat up the skipper for evading their batting ki bari. And you know how bad you feel when your batting turn doesn’t come up,” smiled the minister.  

Pakistan Chief Selector Misbahul Haq, however, rejected Shaukat Yousafzai’s statement on team’s strategy, saying that the team had no strategy.

“We’re experimenting to play without a strategy; that’s necessary to try because we have lost so many matches despite having a number of strategies. This time, our strategy is to have no strategy, and I think we are successful in the experiment,” he said.

When contacted for version, Shaukat Yousafzai said he was not available for comment.   

All American problems are due to PML-N, PPP govts: Trump

Strongly believing that every problem was created by the governments in the last 10 years, President Donald Trump has said that rising unemployment in the US, tug of war between the US and China and no end to the Afghan war were outcomes of the past governments in Pakistan. 

"As my friend Imran Khan, who is a famous former player of container wrestling, has revealed to me and I have no reason to not accept his version, that all the ills Americans have been facing today are just because of the inaction of the Pakistani governments in the last 10 years," he told a press briefing in White House on Thursday. 

When a CNN reporter asked him to link unemployment in the US to the PML-N and PPP governments of Pakistan, Mr Trump said he was expecting such a stupid question only from the American media.

"Look, when my friend Mr Khan addressed a conference on anti-smog measures in Lahore, that's a beautiful city of Japan near Germany, during the press conference, the intelligent Lahori reporters didnt ask him even a single question on air pollution, and that kind of reporters I like the most."

He asked the reporters to follow Pakistani reporters and that he was going to recruit a couple of Pakistani reporters in the US media. He added he was aware of the infatuation of Pakistani journalists with plots, so he was planning a press club colony in Washington very soon.

   

Fuss over tomatoes halts discussion on extension bill

Debating the terms and regulations for the extension and tension-free tenure for the upcoming army chief, the opposition has rejected perks and privileges for the top army slot which includes a six-figure monthly salary, red book protocol, and five-kilogram tomatoes a month till retirement. 

"Five kg tomatoes?" shouted Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari on the floor of the House amid chants of "No tamatar, no tamatar" by the whole opposition. Some treasury members also joined the chorus "No tamatar, no tamatar". 

"We can accept an army chief with a life term but please exclude the five-kilo tomato package from their pay scale," said a PML-N leader. “Pakistan is a third world country which cannot tomato luxury.”

Finance Adviser Sheikh Hafeez, who drafted the extension bill for the army chief said he had included tomatoes in the package because the army chief deserved such a luxury package. 

PML-Q leader and Punjab Assembly Speaker Chaudhry Pervaiz Elahi said if their party was given a chance, they would increase the tomato quota for the army chief ten times and would elect them in uniform as president of Pakistan nine times.

From the treasury, Narcotics Minister Shehryar Afridi said that he was to surrender his life to Allah but tomatoes were valueless in the face of the valuable services of armed forces in curbing smuggling of tomatoes from Pakistan to Afghanistan.

Maulana Fazl unveils Plan R – Rest Time

After achieving the objectives of plans A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P and Q, the Jamiat Ulema-i-Islam-F (JUI-F) has started its plan R amid much fanfare under which the JUI-F along with other opposition parties will take rest until a feasible opportunity arises where the party can play some role.

“The government must fear the deadliest Plan R, where we will be in Rest Mode, means doing nothing,” said Maulana Fazlur Rehman’s spokesperson.

“When the opposition is into hibernation, the PTI government, which has been good at criticizing the opposition, will also have nothing to do, and soon it will fall.”

Criticizing the Plan R of the opposition, the federal cabinet called it a conspiracy against the government.

“We’re ready to give you 100 containers plus three times meal a day, but please continue some activity,” said Prime Minister Imran Khan. He said he was ready to provide good excuses to the opposition for a nationwide protest.

Famous TV analyst Irshad Bhatti said that he would share the detail of the PTI strategy to counter the Plan R in TV talk shows.

When prodded, he said that the PTI was going to start a protest movement against the opposition for not taking to the street.

When asked when the PTI would do so, he said this was the secret which even the PTI did not know.

“When the PTI itself is unaware of its protest plan, how can I have it? But Im sure the PTI had made such plans,” he said.

Student activists dejected for being ignored by trolls

Being ignored by a few dozen trolls, the males standing in the circle of students at Faiz Aman Mela have complained that the trolls ignored them and only picked leather jacket girl for trolling and making a star overnight.

“For God's sake, are we not good looking enough or were our noses running?” complained the young bearded man, who is also seen chanting slogans in the video gone viral online.  

“I chanted slogans and also shook head and legs on the tunes of the poetry and drum,” he said, pointing to his legs.

Twitter recorded 56 trolling messages regarding the leather jacket and long shoe woman ignoring the other hopefuls. Soon, social media sites were after the leather jacket and black knee-high shoes making her the star of the decade. She later explained that she was not from a rich family, still she managed to buy trendy shoes for the greater cause.

“But the thing is why I'm not being trolled? Why social media sites are not interviewing me? Please, don’t be gender-biased. We all are equal. I'm desperate for the revolution as much as that long black winter shoe lady is,” cried another youth, seeking anonymity. He said he had contacted a social media promotion company to troll him day and night so that he also became a social media star.

Asylum plea of Bhai received with mixed reaction in Bombay

Fearing the likely acceptance of Altaf Hussain’s plea for asylum in India, the the underworld of Bombay has gone underground and has contacted their mentors to stop the dhamaka arrival of the Great Bhai to their country, or face the consequences. However, all is not bleak as the jute bag has estimated a rise in the demand for boris in the coming months.

“We’ll have to stop his coming to the city or else,” shuddered Chota Bhai, the most-feared Don of Bombay’s Nine Zero Area, in an audio message sent to his friends. “Great Bhai has matchless skills of using oratory to mesmerize the crowds. He will demolish everyone ruling the world of Bombay.”

Welcoming Great Bhai’s asylum plea, the jute bags baron Kaka Tata has accelerated the establishment of jute bags’ production unit in the city.

“Soon, there will be a spike in demand for Boris,” said a source, close to him.

Meanwhile, different markets of the city shuttered as a mock drill to live in the Great Bhai’s world. Markets Association president Lota Bombaywala said they would welcome Bhai’s arrival with a seven-day shutter down.

According to our former MQM beat reporter, the youth of the city is enthusiastic about the Great Bhai’s life in Bombay.

“I would like to act as Farooq Sattar of the Great Bhai,” said a fake doctor.

“Consider me the sector in charge of the media houses,” said Indian Babar Ghori.

Scientists and PML-N find Qatari grapes sweet and curative

Announcing the landmark discovery of medicine to fight life-threatening diseases, world’s leading scientists have declared, and all in one voice, that Qatari grapes can cure all sort of diseases within minutes, and without leaving any sour or tangy taste in mouth.

“The amazing dose of a few Qatari grapes not only improves platelets, it can make a chronic patient healthy and hearty within minutes,” said the Qatar Airways crew, which experimented the grapes on Mian Nawaz Sharif, the former prime minister, and in the news for his Panama companies, and chronic illness for quite sometimes, during a flight from Doha to London on Tuesday.

“We can confirm that just seeing the grapes, Mian Sahib recovered very fast, and after eating them, he also ate his favorite Buryani, Alo Gosht, Paratha, Sir Paye, and Lahori Channay,” said the crew in a statement.

An insider of the PML-N, however, claimed that Mian Sahib recovered too fast because he made no deal with the PTI regime.

“If anything can be credited with the recovery of Mian Sahib, it is the Pakistan’s justice system, which made him a free man, a happy man and a healthy man,” said the leader on the condition of not disclosing their name, gender, locality and party office.

When asked for the reason for such a strong anonymity terms, the leader-cum-worker-cum-self-made-party representative said that no one knew if Mian Sahib had gone after striking a deal.

“In case, he doesn’t return, I need to make my future safe by looking for an opportunity in some other parties,” said the leader with serious looks.   

PTI sees Imran’s success in U-turn politics

Given the pattern of the fate of Imran Khan’s statements, the Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaf has advised the party chairman to give statements against his own party policies so that the party manifesto could be achieved.

“We said we will not give NRO to anyone, and you can see even those not seeking any concessions have won NRO without many efforts” said a party leader, who joined the PTI three hours ago, at a high-level meeting in Gani Bala on Monday.

Much to the shock of the new entrant, the party agreed to his suggestion.

“Ive also been thinking along these lines, and wanted to say something like this but at the eleventh hour, I would take a U-turn,” said a one-year-old PTI central leader.

After much brooding and 101 U-turns, and W-turns, the party announced a party policy:

1: NRO will be given to Asif Zardari and Hamza Shahbaz too.

2: One crore jobs will be curtailed and five million houses demolished.

3: PTI will not win the next elections.

4: Sheikh Rasheed will not be hired as a peon.

5: The PTI manifesto will NOT be followed.

6: 5,000 people will NOT be executed.

7: Price hike will see new heights.

8: TikTok girls will be allowed everywhere.

9:   Tax net will NOT be widened.

10: U-turns will be taken more frequently.

Shockingly, the PPP and PMLN have protested the NRO offer, while Sheikh Rasheed also looked resigned to fate.

The new policy triggered jubilation in party circles.

Crackdown on lassi to make Friday call successful

Realising that lassi can hamper the Friday protest call, the city district government of Lahore along with police and political activists have started a crackdown on milk shops to disrupt the supply of yoghurt and lassi on Friday. It is very much pertinent to mention here that the government has given a call to the public to remain outdoors every Friday from 12pm to 12:30pm so that Kashmir cause be given a step forward.

“We have purposed to the government to impose section 144 under which drinking lassi on every Friday is banned and the violators will have to stay outdoor every Friday and Saturday,” said a government spokesperson on the condition of anonymity. When asked the reason for not disclosing their name, the spokesperson that the special assistant to the prime minister on information had wished to announce every important decision of the government in her press conference on PTV.

The source said that most of the people drank lassi on Friday and drowse in post-breakfast hours.  

Reacting to the development, JUI-F chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman and PPP Chairperson Bilawal Bhutto have declared Fridays as Lassi day. Both have appealed to their followers to drink lassi and distribute lassi to the public.  

On twitter, #NoTo Lassi and #LassiLassi were the top trends.

JI to wage Kashmir jihad with new catchy slogans

Coming up with a befitting reply to Indian brutalities in occupied Kashmir, the Jamaat-i-Islami (JI) has vowed to launch jihad and in this connection, it has convened its grand shura to create some catchy, provocative ‘Zalmu Qazi A Raha Hi’ type slogans.

“Our jihad starts with slogans and ends with slogans and meanwhile, if dollars show kindness to us, that is the mark of acceptance of our struggle,” said a JI leader at a party.

When asked why the party was banking on slogans alone, he said their struggle based on ‘Kashmir-bazor-e-shamsher’ proved to be futile.

“One can see that Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaf which has neither tehreek nor Insaf in its ranks conquered Islamabad only on the base of shallow slogans. So, we have reached the conclusion that we should put our focus on slogans only.”

Reacting to the development, some PTI members said their struggle was based on both the dhrana and slogans, and that our slogans were not shallow.

“The JI must note that our slogans have been evolved into U-turns.  Whatever our slogans were, they have been U-turned. We hope the JI cannot afford even a single U-turn,” said a PTI member, taking a U-turn on The Mall in Lahore.    

August 14 will be a day after Aug 13: Fawad Chaudhry

After reading Fawad Chaudhry tweets that Eidul Azha will be on August 12, the Central Reut-i-Hilal Committee chairman has announced that the Zilhaj moon has been sighted in Pakistan. Meanwhile, Fawad Chaudhry’s App has predicted that August 14 will be on August 14, a day after August 13.

"(As Fawad Chaudhry has confirmed) Eidul Azha will be celebrated in Pakistan on Aug 12," he said while reading Fawad Chaudhry’s tweet on his mobile phone. The chairman made the announcement in Karachi before reporters after reading the tweet three times and receiving testimonies that the tweet was genuine.

The chairman said that the committee had received 72 testimonies from across the country that Fawad Chaudhry had sighted the moon and they had read his tweet with a large telescope.

The government on Wednesday has declared August 12, 13, 14 and 15 as holidays on account of Eidul Azha. This was announced after Fawad Chaudhry’s App said that August 14, the independence day will be right on August 14, not a day before as Popalzai had said.

According to a notification issued by the Ministry of Interior, Saturday, August 17, however, will be a working day.

In June, Minister for Science and Technology Fawad Chaudhry had already announced that this year, Eidul Azha will fall on Monday, Aug 12.

Great climate of Islamabad linked to Faisal Vawda’s silence

Expecting a landmark discovery, medical researchers and experts are examining the climate of Islamabad as under its influence, Federal Minister Faisal Vawda has not given a statement in the last 30 days. According to researchers, this is the longest period in the history of mankind when Faisal Vawda has not given a laughable statement.

“The climate looks great for the people like Faisal Vawda,” said Dr Researcher while examining the impacts of the air and climate of Islamabad on Sunday.

He suggested if President Trump, Saudi Crown Prince Muhammad bin Salman, Prime Minister Modi and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un were made to stay in Islamabad along with Faisal Vawda, the world would be a better place.

“Since it is impossible to keep Trump, MBS, Modi and Kim, we should be happy with the current situation of Faisal Vawda. He has not spoken to the media for over a month, which has brought lots of normalcy in the country,” said the doctor.

Sources close to Faisal Vawda, however, said the minister was all well and doing great work in his office.

When contacted, Faisal Vawda said the climate of Islamabad was rubbish.

“The opposition thinks that after plastic ban, they will be able to get me gagged. I know their worth and I know how to handle them.”  

Cabinet sees solution to Kashmir issue in dharna along LoC

Taking a decisive decision on the Kashmir issue, the federal cabinet has decided to arrange a viniferous dharna along the Line of Control so that the Modi government crumbles down.

“This is the time-tested formula to weaken and topple governments; we have done this at D Chowk and we will do it again at LoC and its vibrations will reach the corridors of New Delhi and soon the Modi government will go home,” Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Information and Broadcasting Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan said on PTV.

Reacting to the federal cabinet’s announcement on dharna, opposition leader Fazalur Rehman ridiculed the cabinet for coming up with an outdated idea.

“Dharan only works herein Islamabad; if you want to have some visible change on the Kashmir issue, you need to first make the Kashmir Committee effective. When I was the chairman of the NA Committee on Kashmir, no government in New Delhi had the courage to change the status of India-held Kashmir. Now, when you’ve removed the experienced hand, the result is in front of you.”

Hailing the dharna decision, several TV anchors tweeted that the occasion would provide them with ample chances to go live 24/7.

Meanwhile, the nation has vowed to fight for Kashmir along with the armed forces (but only through tweets).

US asks PTI govt to do more to look busier

Reiterating their usual demand of ‘do more’, the US government has asked the Pakistani Tehreek-i-Insaf to “do more without doing anything to their public, which it has been doing since its inception one year ago on July 25”.

“The US congratulates the government of Pakistan on doing great things in the last one year,” reads a message by the US State Department, issued on July 25.

“We have observed that the government spent its energies on making plans, then making them popular and later on scrapping them. That’s not bad. At least the government looks busy every time. Doing nothing is also great.”

Several US policy institutes have invited former finance minister Asad Umer to teach them the art of making plans in the castle.

“Asad Umer has mastered the art of making five millions houses without using even a single brick. He also created 10 million jobs without hiring even a single person. He remained a would-be finance minister for five years and an actual finance minister for six months. He is a living finance marvel,” said the statement.

Commenting on the US State Department’s statement, Asad Umer said he comment only after constructing five million houses and creating 10 million jobs. When asked how would he achieved such a huge targets, he said he had stopped listening to the songs of Junaid Jamshed and his new choice was Sahir Lodhi’s songs.