Modi unblocks Imran’s number after win, but receives missed calls

After a landslide victory on May 23, Indian Prime Minister Narendra Damodardas Modi has unblocked the number of his Pakistani counterpart Imran Khan but only to receive a couple of missed call from him late on May 24, a story that the NDTV has not revealed so far. Modi had blocked all Pakistani numbers four years ago, terminating all possible channels of communication with his eastern neighbours.

The story yet to be released says that as soon as Modi was conveyed about his historic win late on May 23, he took his mobile, looked for Imran Khan’s number and unblocked it.

On May 24, he found there were a couple of missed calls on it. His personal attendant told him that only after one beep, the call from Imran Khan was dropped. Now, Modi has deployed the most-vigilant mobile user to pick the call from Imran Khan before it is dropped.

“So far, no success,” Modi was informed.

On the other hand, Federal Saving Figure Minister Faisal Vawda has said that Imran Khan and his cabinet had saved millions of rupees by cutting down their mobile phone expenditures.

“We all only miss call. It’s the receiver’s duty to call us back; otherwise, we tweet and let the person know what we want to say,” he said.

He said sooner or later, Modi would have to call Imran Khan back.   

“French and Malaysian heads also had to call to Imran Khan,” he said, short of a smile.

Some sources said the cash-strapped government had no balance in the phones of the cabinet and because of that they were dependent on miss calls.

Prime Minister’s Assistant on Information will deny the report tomorrow, her officials said.     

Khawaja Asif, Sheikh Rasheed to tutor Talal in sexist remarks

Khawaja Asif and Sheikh Rasheed have vowed to tutor their brother-in-comment Talal Chaudhry on how to be a misogynist, pass anti-feminism comments and still get away with it shamelessly.

In a joint statement issued hours after Talal Chaudhry tweeted regretting his comments which “hurt” Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan, both Khawaja Asif and Sheikh Rasheed put their differences aside and said they were pissed off to see that their comrade, who has potential to be the leading sexist, had succumbed to social media campaigns ridiculing him for his remarks at the appearance of Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan.

“To get away with such comment is not an uphill task; you only need to come up with such sexist remarks so often that you are an established misogynist. Public memory is short and people move on,” the statement read.

Khawaja Asif reminded Talal Chaudhry how he had braved formidable opposition onslaught with an unpleasant smile on his face after his tractor trolley comments.

“Koi Sharm nai hoti, koi haya nai hoti,” he said in the statement, referring to the matters related to degrading women.

“Talal Chaduhry is trying to play on either side of wicket, which is not a good game strategy,” said Sheikh Rasheed.

According to sources, Imran Khan also smiled when he watched Talal Chaudhry’s comment in a video footage and asked his party not to react to it. Instead, he said Talal should try his skills on Bilawal too.

On the other hand, Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari has criticized the party of Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan for not supporting her against Talal Chaudhry. He said the silence of Fawad Chaudhry on the issue was not meaningless.

Dollar explains why it’s so high; Dr Firdous explains why it’s so low

Dollar has promised to come down when the weather cools down and the government and the public of Pakistan regain senses, which is likely to happen in October. In a costly message to the finance wizards and the talk shows hosts of Pakistan, $$$ dollar said that summer used to be a cool time in Pakistan.

“But not anymore,” thundered $$$ from the peaks not visible to naked eyes.

“Statements by government and opposition functionaries are adding heat to the weather, which makes it difficult for me to keep low. So, sorry. First, you people need to behave and be nice to each other, and then I’ll start coming down.”

The million dollar statement said that when the American bill was historically low to Pakistani rupee, the condition of the public did not improve much.

“Tell me when the public was happy and comfortable in those times when I was not so high. So, the exchange rate doesn’t matter much. Basically, it is your lust and incompetence that is making the people’s lives worst.”

Reacting to the announcement, government’s spokesperson Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan laughed and said that now even dollar itself had confirmed that the opposition was corrupt and that the government was on the right track.

Dollar denied Dr Firdous Awan’s statement but Dr Awan snubbed it, saying that it should watch the PTV to see for the facts.

The opposition alliance welcomed dollar’s statement and said the US bill had confirmed their concerns that the government was corrupt.

Dollar again issued a statement clarifying that it did not mean so.

Opposition parties have announced that they would discuss the dollar statement at an ifrat-dinner, where payments would be made in dollars.

Dollar queen Ayan Ali was not available for comment.  

Opp to continue iftar-dinners even after Ramazan after Dr Awan feels mircheen

Flamboyant by the shocked reaction of Special Assistant to Prime Minister on Information Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan, the joint opposition has decided to continue with their iftar dinners even after the month of Ramazan until the government accepts their demands.

Leaders of the opposition parties on Sunday announced their plans to launch protests in the shape of Iftar parties inside and outside the parliament after Eidul Fitr while on the insistence of Maulana Fazalur Rehman, these iftar dinners will be called All Parties Conference and Iftar Dinners.

"Today opposition leaders came to my house for this iftar-dinner, oh sorry All Parties Conference and Iftar Dinners, and I am thankful that they came; tomorrow, they should arrange such All Parties Conference and Iftar Dinners so that the fast-breaking continues until we break the back of the government," PPP Chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari said after the iftar-dinner at Zardari House in Islamabad on Sunday. The event was attended by several leaders, including a delegation of PML-N, which was headed by, Maryam Nawaz says by her, while Hamza Shahbaz says, he headed it.

"We have decided to hold such iftar-dinner to discuss Pakistan's issues and eat pakoras,” Bilawal added.

Reacting to the iftar-dinner by Bilawal-Bhutto Zardari, Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan the opposition had even failed to arrange the iftar-dinner properly.

“I've got reports that dahi bhallay were short in supply while Hamza Shahbaz got angry when he was not offered lemonade (niboo panree),” said the delighted Dr Awan.

“Also, pakoras had a lot of mirch, because of which no one ate them.”

She dared the opposition to first arrange proper niboon panree and then start a protest drive against the government. She said had the offshore drilling been a successful venture, she would have sent a container of lemons to the opposition.

Ahsan Raza Lectures Journalism Class

Ahsan Raza Lectures Journalism Class

Indian elections divide Imran Khan’s cabinet

Minister for Spirituality and Science Naeemul Haq has predicted the re-election of Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi after the news that he embarked on a spiritual break Saturday to a famous Himalayan pilgrimage site.

On the other hand, Modi’s archrival Rahul Gandhi was reportedly planning to cultivate ladyfingers and bitter gourds on the Moon. He has the full backing and blessings of Science and Technology Minister Fawad Chaudhry. Both Rahul and Fawad believes that lemon and vegetables could be cultivated without water, air, sunlight and seeds.

Prime Minister Imran Khan, who is also under the spiritual spell of month-long silence has decided to be neutral in the tug of war between spirituality and modern science and technology.

On the eve of the seventh and final day of voting in the world's biggest democratic exercise, Modi, 68, meditated at a holy cave wrapped in an orange robe in the northern state of Uttarakhand.

But this has divided the Pakistani nation into two camps.

One camp is supporting Modi and the other Rahul and both have their own reasons.

The group going for Modi says they support him because of his excessive likings for mangoes. The Rahul group says they like him because he might like guavas.

Gallop survey fails Murad Ali Shah because of his hairstyle

Revealing startling results of a newly-conducted survey about the performances of four chief ministers. the Gallop finds Chief Minister Usman far ahead of his three other counterparts because of his calling the month of fasting as Ramyan, not Ramazan or Ramadan. A majority of the people liked him because of his hairstyle, and not lifestyle or governance style.

The Sindh chief minister, Murad Ali Shah, stood at the fourth number because most of the respondents said that since Murad Ali Shah belonged to the PPP, so he must be at the fourth. Up to 51 per cent of the young respondents rejected him because he was caught saying Ramzan Sharif in a Tv talk show. Respondents advised him to change his hairstyle which he has not changed in the last four years.

Moreover, they said he speaks too fast and tries to be the copy of Shahbaz Sharif, whereas Usman Buzdar speaks slow and often he doesn’t he even speak to anyone.  

Young respondents also gave 100 marks of performance to Prime Minister Imran Khan ‘for not making any tall or short claim in the last two weeks’.

His best work so far is that he has been silent for two weeks, said respondents.  

By the time of filing this report, more Gallop results were being prepared in the mentorship of Farhan Virk. Keep visiting us for more updates.

Satire in detail: Zardari’s love for black, and Siraj’s advice to Trump

Former president and Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) Co-Chairman Asif Ali Zardari said on Thursday he told accountability officials that the bank accounts being termed fake by them were actually ‘business’ accounts and that “everyone in Pakistan has black money”. Our sources said that at this the investigators touched Mr Zardari’s knees and said that “boss, you’re right.” One of the investigators challenged Mr Zardari’s generalized statement  and said his wife had no black money because he didn’t believe in parking his ‘hard-earned money’ in wife’s accounts. Mr Zardari said he loved black money because only the black could be turned into white. “Black money can be made white, but the white money cannot be made black,” he asserted, which forced the investigators to touch and kiss his knees. After a half hour chat with investigators, Mr Zardari came out of the accountability complex smiling.

Iran and US should avoid war

Jamaat-e-Islami emir Senator Sirajul Haq says Iran and America should exercise restraint and avoid war. “Instead of Iran, Donald Trump should start a new venture in Afghanistan, and here we can help him with the supply of Mujahideen or peace talk facilitators,” he said at a peace rally. “Iran is a barren land in terms of war, because their eight-year war with Iraq did not benefit us. We were also not much bothered about Iran’s indifference towards us those times because we were too busy in Afghanistan in those days.” He said the US is always welcome in Afghanistan, not Iran.

Satire in detail: PPP CEC urges Bilawal to change treadmill

The Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) Central Executive Committee (CEC) will recommend party chairperson Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari to change the treadmill he has been using for a long time. At an important meeting of the PPP CEC somewhere in Pakistan, the party stalwarts asked their leader to brief the nation about his workout regime. When learned that Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari has regularly been on the treadmill for two hours a day for the last three years, the CEC members urged their leader to change the treadmill. To which, Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari smiled and said, “When I change the treadmill, I will also change party office-bearers.” After his remarks, the CEC did not talk of the workout.   

Nawaz Sharif is not afraid of cases

Pakistan’s most popular leader (in the Sharif family) Nawaz Sharif is not afraid of cases, but court verdicts which often entail rigorous jail terms. This was whispered by PML-N central information secretary Mariam Aurangzeb in a statement issued to the Jati Umra to her boss Maryam Safdar. She said in the statement the day is not far when our leader would be among us (after completing his sentence in 2025). She said the whole world was aware of the services of our leader Nawaz Sharif.

Curfew on June 3 on account of sale day at Sapphire

Learning lessons from the previous years’ riots stemming from Sapphires’ sale, the law-enforcers have announced imposing a curfew on those cities where the outlets of the famous brands are located to pre-empt rioting. On the sale day, only those having special passes would be allowed to step out of houses. It is worthwhile to mention that the place where passes were being issued, several women were injured because of the huge rush and ensuing riots. The authorities had to call in law-enforcement reinforcements to control the situation. Facebook launched ‘I am safe’ status for the people in those cities. One woman who was badly wounded while trying to get a curfew pass also marked herself safe. “I suffered a bone fracture, but I managed to get a pass. So, I'm not only safe but also the most successful,” she cried.

Saqib Nisar starts guarding dam after retirement

Just 7,975,6 kilometres from the proposed site of the Mohmand Dam, retired chief justice Saqib Nisar has pitched his tent on the roof of his London apartment as per his never-forgotten pledge that after retirement, he would guard dams by living in a tent by the site.

“Dam is my life, and I cannot leave it unguarded and unprotected,” thundered the retired chief justice looking at this scribe during an interview at the rooftop of the luxurious apartment on Sunday.

When asked why he was living too far from the dam site, the retired chief justice swung into his suo motu rage, and said, “Are you questioning the jurisdiction of my imagination, vision and thoughts?”

“Had I been in in-service, I would have got you arrested. And now you can go. Interview adjourned till Monday morning.”

The scribe begged milord’s mercy but to no avail. Later, his attendant said it was milord’s dinner time and later on, he would take a siesta.    

Came Monday morning, and this scribe was granted hearing.

At the outset, the retired chief justice said what was my interview about, and when told that it was about the dam, he smiled.

“Do you know why I smiled?” he asked the reporter.

“Only milord knows the best reason,” submitted the reporter.

“What kind of a reporter you are? Stupid. I miss the gem of journalism like Bhatti, Dogar, Sheikh, Kalasra, Araien, Rajput, Ansari, Jatt, Yousafzai, Baloch, Zardari, Leghari and so on. They knew about everything on the earth. Their talk shows fuelled my daily proceedings. And you, **** even don’t know why I am smiling. You are here to get mangoes (this is what he said in Punjabi)? Go and sell guavas (again in Punjabi).”
The scribe offered an apology which was instantly accepted.

Mr Nisar resumed the interview.

“Where do you work?”

“Sir, I’m from Pakistan and I wanted to know about your pledge you had made that you would guard the dam after retirement. Now, after retirement ...” the scribe was interrupted.

“How can you say I’m retired? I’m now on another mission and that is to find another mission.”

And what about the protection of dams?

“Yes, that will continue. Can’t you see I’m living in a tent here and my all eyes are on the dam?”

The retired chief justice was optimistic about the future of dams that they would be built one day.

“Now, this is the job of our intelligent TV anchors to find that ‘one day’.”  
  

PML-Afternoon reacts to book being written on leader

 Ace journalist Saw-Lee Za-on-the Fire has announced writing a book on the life and struggle of PML-Afternoon twitter faction leader Merry Safe-Door. The PML-Afternoon has, however, reacted strongly to the news and said they would try hard that the book did not happen.

“The greatest leader of the century who changed the politics of the Subcontinent, if not the world, with her terrifying tweets will be the subject of my upcoming book,” Saw-Lee Za-on-the-Fire told himself in his byline published in his newspaper on Tuesday.

“The book will see the day of the light when she is in power otherwise she should forget it,” he added.

Reacting to the announcement, Tali, Dani and Jani addressed a joint conference where they said they suspected that the book was going to be just another Re-Reham episode, and they opposed it.

Tali said, “Look, we advise Saw-Lee Za-on-the-Fire to please keep on doing journalism kion ke is me bahut paisa hi and that too not on our leader Merry Safe-Door because ...” before he could complete the sentence, Dani pushed him aside and grabbed the mice.

“Listen to me, Imran Khan, go and get 1,000 books published against or for our leader but it seems you have not learned any lesson from the book which was written and released ahead of elections. Did it make any difference to you?”

On the other hand, Saw-Lee Za-on-the-Fire said the book would be a textbook of public relation.

“My whole life has been dedicated to serving the power corridor. Now, if Marry Safe-Door gets any chance to become a prime time minister, I will be the first to salute her in the prime time minister office and present the book.”

 

Khan stands by suicide pledge on IMF deal

Distancing himself from the impending $6 billion deal with the International Monetary Fund, Prime Time Minister Khan 92 has said his adviser on finance Dr Mazeed Tax Shake should commit suicide, but after signing the deal and receiving the cheque.

He was reacting to Dr Mazeed Tax Shake’s announcement that he and the International Monetary Fund had finalised an agreement on a package worth $6 billion for a period of three years.

“I stand by my words that before getting any loan from the IMF, I will commit suicide,” he said, adding that “everybody can see it is not me but him (Dr Mazeed Tax Shake) who’s getting loans from the International Monetary Fund.”

He said he came to know about the deal through the TV talk show of Dr Shout Mass Odd that the deal had been done. “I don’t take Dr Shout Mass Odd seriously like all of you. Later, a WhatsApp message from another minister on leave confirmed that deal had been done. Perhaps, they were reminding me of my suicide statement,” he said.

Speaking on the PTV, the financial adviser said that they had reached a staff-level agreement with the financial body, and further working on it will continue after the International Monterey Fund's executive board's approval.

“Look, I would ask Dr Mazeed Tax Shake to at least try suicide. We will stop him from doing so at the eleventh hour. You know this nation cannot bear more loans.”

He said the minister’s step would be a sign of Naya PTIstan where the ministers are ready to get loans at the cost of their life.

He said the nation should be proud of their prime time minister who has given autonomy to his cabinet to whatever they wanted to do.

“Earlier, I came to know about rupee depreciation through PTV. This shows how I am unaware of other ministries’ working. This shows how ministries are free to act. And lastly, you see how PTV has become so trustworthy.”

Pharmaceutical industry hit hard by ‘TAKOOR’ practice, calls for ban

Pharmaceutical industry hit hard by ‘TAKOOR’ practice, calls for ban

Reacting strongly to falling revenues, pharmaceutical companies manufacturing painkillers have threatened to stop investments in Pakistan if the government does not ban, what they say, the lethal practice of ‘TAKOOR’ in the families of Punjab, in particular, and across Pakistan, in general.

“The only way to ensure that we keep on working and not a single pharmacy is closed down and doctors are not out of job, is that the government takes strict measures on ‘TAKOOR’”, said Tab Painful, the representative of pharmaceutical companies, while shedding tears with pain at a press conference on Saturday. He explained that since the government was installed, they saw multiple increases in pains in the public, but on the other hand, their sales had dropped.

“We hired surveyors, and researchers, who have reported that the usage of ‘TAKOOR’ has increased among the public. This is unethical, non-medical and illegal and tantamount to quackery,” he cried.

When a reporter, who did not look like a burger, asked Mr Painful to explain what the ‘TAKOOR’ was, the reporters first laughed and then cried.

Mr Painful could not help laughing too.

“This is for the first time, I’ve smiled in the last 10 months,” he said, and later on he explained to non-burger looking reporter that the ‘TAKOOR’ is a method to mitigate the pain of injury or muscle pull through applying a warm piece of stone, bread, lotion, cloth or sponge wet with warm water  on the body.

When the reporter still showed the signs of not getting what he was saying, Mr Painful, who was so far crying in English accent, turned to Punjabi and said, “Puttar, tere te dimagh dee ‘TAKOOR’ honr wali hey (my son, your brain needs thrashing).”

Mr Painful demanded ‘TAKOOR’ be banned before the budget, otherwise, they would be forced to close down operations.

(Angry) Young Doctors’ Association again on strike over no excuse for strike

Calling a fresh strike for an indefinite period, (Angry) Young Doctors’ Association cheerleaders for the Lahore North to Lahore South chapters have strongly criticised the government, in particular, and the health department, in general, for not giving them any solid (or otherwise) excuse to go on a strike in the last one week.

Addressing a press conference outside the Meo Hospital’s emergency on Monday, several young adult activists of the (Angry) Young Doctors’ Association announced resuming the strike after a gap of one week. Their last strike continued for 30 days for the acceptance of a charter of demands. Their demands included the removal of all medical superintendents of Lahore hospitals. When the health minister accepted their demand, they came up with the demand of the removal of newly-appointed medical superintendents. The health minister instantly and happily accepted their new demand too, and the new medical superintendents were removed within four hours of their posting. The instant acceptance of their demands, however, offended the young adults, and they turned against the minister. Within 24 hours, they locked all hospitals and demanded the removal of the health minister. They also put the condition that the minister not be removed instantly rather the government initiate dialogue with them. When the government also agreed to start dialogue with them, the old practitioner of strikes boycotted dialogue for the reason that the government did not know the art of lingering strike issues. After rounds of dialogues, the association called off strike last week but only to resume it after one week.

This time, the cause for their strike is that there is no reason for the strike.

“The association condemns the government for accepting our all demands, and trying to create a crisis in our ranks by sending us back to hospital wards,” said the association president, who did his last medical duty six months ago.

“Strike is our basic right; patients should also go on strike,” he thundered.

A group of senior doctors condemned frequent strikes by the (Angry) Young Doctors' Association, saying that in their absence, senior doctors had to attend patients. 

"Young doctors should never go on strike. They should know when they reach senior cadre, they will have lots of time for rest," the group said with one voice. 

The group, however, soon retracted the statement after young adults threatened them with reaction. 

The health minister was ready to comment on the strike, but she said her instant reaction might anger the young lot, so she was delaying her statement. 

Under-training CM Buzdar learns the art of condemning blast and issuing a statement in 10 minutes

Under-training Chief Minister Usman Buzdar was still under the influence of lassi and paratha feast served to him at Sehri, when his advisors tutored him on how to condemn a blast, and our sources said that chief minister learned the art within 10 minutes, which shows he is not a slow learner.

The scourage of terrorism struck a police van outside Lahore’s patron saint Data Sahib early on Tuesday.

“Sir, you need to condemn the blast,” an advisor was caught as having whispered to the chief minister.

“But how? Tell me.”

Mr Buzdar was told to say that he strongly condemned the blast that he needed to say sacrifices given by the Pakistani army and the nation against terrorism would certainly bear fruit.

At this, he repeated three times: I strongly condemn the blast. 

The chief minister asked the team to make sure that these words had not been said by his predecessors.

This panicked the advisors. They consulted each other and a few reporters, experts on table story beat, who helped them save the day.

He was told to say that he had ordered the departments concerned to investigate into the blast and prepare a thorough report on the incident.

“Yes, but I haven't instructed any department on anything, so how can I say so?” he asked the chief advisor.

“Sir, the departments concerned will read your statement tomorrow in newspapers, and the story would convey them your strong instructions,” said one of the advisors.

The chief minister told reporters that he strongly condemned the blast near the vehicle of the elite force outside Data Darbar.

When he was talking to reporters at the blast scene, the chief minister also said he expressed a deep sense of sorrow over the death of citizens and police officials and “I extend sympathies to the bereaved heirs”.

When the chief the minister was asked to say that ‘I will personally monitor the progress on the blast case investigation, Mr Buzdar said how could he personally monitor everything when his schedule was so tight.

Mr Buzdar said (on his own) that investigation agencies would soon trace the case.

Investigation agencies, however, were clueless about the chief minister's desire.

Once the chief minister strongly condemned the attack, his media team issued the press release to the media.

Ministry of Spirituality and Science created; Haq made minister to shock Chaudhry

A day after he announced his landmark project of promoting spirituality and science and technology along spiritual lines, Prime Time Minister Khan 92 announced creating the Ministry of Spirituality and Science and elevated his advisor and decades-old lieutenant Mul Haq as the minister for Spirituality and Science, according to our spirituality beat reporter, who learned about the development from supernatural sources.

Before Mul Haq could take oath, Science and Technology Minister, who loves to be known as former information minister, Betab Chaudhry tweeted: Look what’s happening here in naya Pakistan?

Spiritual forces, however, diminished this twitter war.

Social media remained unaware of the development, so no twitter trends could be developed. Another reason for social media inaction on the development was a spat (which later tuned out to be a serious fight on social media) between the talk show anchor and social media sensation on a local rating-hungry TV channel.

The anchor shouted at the guest and bullied him at one time.

The newly-created ministry, however, reacted strongly to the talk show match, and said this happened due to people’s lack of understanding of otherworldly matters.

The new ministry would help the cricket team win the world cup so that another prime minister could be manufactured in the next 22 years.

No government person was ready to comment on the development.

“We know that you’re doing it for your satire piece, so this is not worth comment,” said a person who lives 200km from Banigala.

     

Moon sighting body head to help NASA how to discover crescent with naked eye on a cloudy day

Holy Moon Mining and Sighting Committee Chairman Mufti No Moon Sighted has decided to teach NASA the art of moon sighting without actually seeing it, and he would also help the American aeronautics and space body to locate and rehabilitee their lost and dead Curiosity Rover.

Mr No Moon Sighted announced this neither at a press conference nor through a press release. Our gut feeling is that sources close to him are saying so. NASA did not release any update on these reports.  

Anyhow, the future will tell what is Mr No Moon Sighted is up to, but it is said that he would help NASA on how not to see the crescent and that how to see it on a cloudy day.

Reacting to the reports, Peshawar-based astronaut Popalzai has announced reaching NASA office two days ahead of Mr No Moon’s arrival there.

“You know how we have been beating him over the years over the issue of moon,” he smiled.

Undeterred by the Peshawar problem, Mr No Moon said he would land at NASA office with his technology – the committee members, who are seen around him on TV screens on a night, when everybody is expecting it to be a Chaand Raat.

He also supported prime minister’s announcement of combining spiritually and science, and said he had already brought the two closer.

“If you see through my eyes, you can clearly see Qamar, I mean the moon, on the horizon of Pakistan,” he said. He did not explain further.  

Prime Minister Imran Khan said on Sunday at a ceremony after laying the foundation stone of a university near Sohawa town of Jhelum district the university would link science and spirituality. We consider spirituality a super science which needs research and that research will be conducted here,” Mr Khan said.

The prime minister said that 35 per cent students of the university would be given spiritual scholarships and the institution would be run on the pattern of spirituality, adding that the institution was being set up through funds raised by spirits.

Satire: Summit celebrates crisis in media houses, calls readers, viewers the real problem

Celebrating the success of crisis in the media, a group of editors (both flop and successful), retired editors, budding editors, and family and friends of editors have held readers and viewers responsible for the ongoing crisis in media houses, and called for their training as well as strict laws to keep them in limits.

The group, which consists of only (self-made) legends, and (self-styled) great names, met at the Shughal Mela Summit at an undisclosed location to discuss media matters like the crisis in media houses, disinformation and so on.  

One of the great names said at the summit the crisis had brought opportunities for them, such as this gathering of great names.

“At least, now we know who’s great and who’s not,” said a great backbencher.

A session on ‘How the crisis happened’, another great name was of the view that with their persistent work and dedication, they had brought about the crisis.

“We’ve lost readers and viewers over the years,” announced one panelist, who started his career as an editor in 1950 at the age of 10. “We were told that the reader wants new content. We were reminded that storytelling is important in stories. But we’ve resisted their demands, and today, by the grace of God, we are left with a few loyal readers, and we will keep testing their loyalty too.”  

A great name from a popular TV channel, however, warned the audience that the loyal audience was the most dangerous things for the media, and there should be a discussion in the summit on how to get rid of them.

“The work is ongoing, and very soon, loyal audience would be a rare species,” smiled an editor. In the concluding remarks of the session, the moderator asked if anyone in the summit had been affected by the crisis. Only one person stood up. He was first condemned and later on chucked out of the summit.

The summit discussed fake news and most of the participants were convinced that fake news was as real as hell.

“Look, what am I doing?” smiled the great name panelist.

“Smiling,” said the audience in a chorus.

“Oh, come on, it is a fake smile. Now, how many of you disagree that a fake smile is not a smile?”

Silence. 

Then, a round of applause erupted in the hall. The panelist smiled again. Guess, was it a real smile or otherwise?

The summit also condemned those journalists who were still working despite pay cut, salary delay and long working hours. By the time, this report was being published, the summit was ongoing.